Hi KcK,

You’ve posed a series of questions. I’m going to answer them inline in italics below.

I am on date 2 (and many hours of phone calls) realizing a new guy just LOVES to talk. It could be nervousness as he said after our first date that he thinks he “friend zoned” himself.

So he realizes his behavior was off-putting? You could ask him why he thinks he “friend-zoned himself.” That let’s you segue into his over-talking, and it’s fine to bring it up after the fact. You can mention anything you enjoy about his stories, but agree with him that conversation has felt one-sided, and you’d like it to evolve past first-date jitters into mutual sharing. Then get his response. Possible follow-up questions:

Since the current dynamic sounds like a deal-breaker, there’s little to lose in a kind, direct conversation with him to see if it (he) can shift in response to your needs. The most successful heterosexual relationships are characterized by the man being willing to receive influence from the woman – so this is an excellent test for key relationship skills – your skillful influence and his receptivity.

I wouldn’t say he rejects my own story interjections but I don’t see that MY stories light up his face the way his interesting adventures excite me.

Yes, listening involves not only ceasing his own talk, but focusing on you, asking questions, indicating curiosity/understanding/empathy.

He has shared so much about his past self, I will say it has helped a few times when I bring him back to the present and ask what he likes now or how would he react NOW instead of hearing some funny old story. I have a tendency to be an overthinker/“storyteller” myself so find it funny (and boring?!) to now have to sit and listen and am not sure exactly where to go from here.

He’s missing so much of what you have to offer by monopolizing!

I’m not sure if I want to have the relationship he has spelled out (eg. you being consigned to the listener role/the way women have figured in his stories?) in all his long opinionated (you sound annoyed, understandably) stories so far, so is your advice to just be more direct in my interjected questions as I assess him or more direct in how I communicate my own goals so he knows and can evaluate with I value?

You’re no doubt competent at asking questions that allow him to expand. The problem is that the focus doesn’t successfully shift to you.

I’d start with a tight focus on the behavior(s) that don’t work for you – spoken slowly, expressed in short sentences, in a calm, matter-of-fact tone, with eye contact and open body language (uncrossed arms and legs, angling your torso towards him). Those stylistic touches give him the best chance to receive your input as friendly and aimed at connecting, rather than as judgemental/rejecting. If he’s capable of responsiveness, this will give you the best chance to see it. If he’s not, you can move on with greater clarity and confidence. If you end up practicing being more direct/assertive with him and the conversations remain unsatisfying – then you’ve made use of the opportunity to strengthen that skill for your next relationship. And gotten even better at negotiating conflict in any relationship.

To your growth,
Gail Weiner, LMFT

Hi Joanie,

You’ve shown yourself to be assertive, empathetic and flexible – a great combination for dating success!

Congratulations for telling him what didn’t work for you in the phone call. It sounds like you’d have ended it there, if he hadn’t asked to try again. (“points” to him for not getting defensive/withdrawing, more points for an apology and a reasonable explanation).

In future dates with others, consider intervening more strongly if initial tries don’t work. It’s empowering to tackle it in the moment. eg. “Whoa! I need to stop you here.” (repeat if needed) “ I keep trying to say something and haven’t been able to get any acknowledgement.” Give him a chance to respond. If he can’t make the space for even that, or responds poorly, you have your answer.

With this man, (especially because you’re not invested at this point), you have utter freedom to be even more direct – and find out if he might be a good potential partner. This includes, accepting your influence and changing behavior based on your input.

I’d suggest you start with asking about his experience behind the ‘wall of sound’.
For example,
in a calm, relaxed voice say something like: “I’m not opposed to giving this one more try, but I’d like to understand what happened on that first call.”
Give him the space to think about it and answer you.

And you can gently inquire further, without blame, lead with curiosity: What was going on for him when he heard your interjections but didn’t respond? What was his idea of how he was going to get to know you? What’s his idea of a good conversation? Has this issue come up before?

Of course, you’ll be looking to answer important questions for yourself like, How willing is he to process difficulties? Does he show insight? Have ideas about what he can do differently going forward? Take responsibility? Regret having (inadvertently?) shut you out?

I’d expect you’ll have a much better sense of his character and potential after this. And perhaps more importantly, you’ll be developing methods for learning early on, if a man has the skills for lasting intimacy.

Good luck!!

Feel free to fill us in on your progress ????.

Or if you’d like a complimentary private consultation, contact me at datewise@icloud.com.