We’ve all been on bad first dates. When you think about them, are there any common themes? Below are seven things not to do on a first date. Whether you have chemistry or not, avoiding these things will make the date a better experience for everyone.

1. Talking about your ex/past relationships

If you’re talking about your ex in a positive light, it looks like you’re not over that person. And if you’re talking about your ex in a negative light, it looks like you’re not over that person… and likely somewhat bitter about it.

A few years ago, I went on a date with someone I had matched with on Tinder. He seemed nice enough… until he mentioned his ex-wife. I didn’t ask any questions about that relationship because it’s really not my business, and I encourage people to keep things light on the first date. Without any prompting, he proceeded to tell me a long list of negative things about her and how she made him miserable, in addition to telling me that she had a mental illness. A few thoughts immediately went through my mind:

He’s not over her.

If he speaks that poorly of her, what would he say about me one day?

He shares very personal information about other people with strangers.

I was certainly flattered that he felt comfortable enough to share this information with me, but it was completely inappropriate in that setting (at a bar, mind you). He also did not pick up on my cues to change the direction of the conversation. While he and I didn’t have enough in common to warrant another date anyway, the fact that he spent the majority of the date bashing his ex sealed the deal for me.

Some people think it’s fun to share sob stories. It’s not… at least not on a first date, when you should simply be seeing if you have rapport with someone.

2. Being late with no notice or being excessively late, even with notice

You’re running late. Things happen. Be kind enough to notify your date with ample time, if possible.

I once had a date that started at 3 pm. I arrived at 2:59pm and didn’t see him, so I texted to ask if he was inside. He replied at 3:04pm that he was on his way. He arrived at 3:08pm with no apology. I wouldn’t have cared at all that he was running late. But the fact that he didn’t tell me in advance — and didn’t apologize — was enough to make me annoyed. Remember that your time is no more valuable than anyone else’s.

3. Having your phone out or texting someone else

It’s rude, plain and simple. When you have your phone out, the other person assumes you’re looking for better plans or would jump to leave at the first ding of a text. For the duration of the date, try to put your phone away. (And “away” does not mean screen-side down. It means out of view.) An exception, of course, is if you’re expecting a call or text. Then, simply tell your date up front.

4. Talking about any one topic (especially work… or yourself) too much

If you talk about work the whole time, it feels like an interview. If you talk about yourself, you sound self-absorbed. Make sure the conversation is a give-and-take and it flows.

5. Being rude to a server… or anyone

Treat people kindly, no matter who they are.

6. Not tipping well

Be generous. Tip well.

7. Flipping the “off” switch if not interested

Sometimes you walk into a date, and you know within the first five minutes it’s not a match. That’s OK — it happens! But rather than running through your grocery list in your head during the date, try to stay present and engaged. You both made the time to be there, so it’s best to make the most of it, learn something, and try to enjoy yourself in some capacity.

Now that you know what not to do, it’s time to get dating. And don’t forget to smile!

This article originally appeared on the Tribune News Service.

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You like someone. They like you….maybe. You continue liking this person. This person stops liking you (or never did) and pulls back. You like this person more. This person, feeling smothered, continues to pull back. You continue to obsess more.

Why should a person’s feelings actually grow the less someone is reciprocating those loving feelings?

There are a few theories on this:

1. Overinvestment

Elite Daily describes this theory in detail. It says that a principle on which our minds work is reciprocity. If we do something for someone, even if we haven’t asked for something in return, we subconsciously expect the person to do something in return of about equal value. (Conversely, if someone does something nice for us, many of us will simply want to reciprocate.) These things could range from dinner to something as simple as a text response.

When the person of interest does not reciprocate, however, rather than retreating, we instead tend to invest more in the hopes of the other person responding. And then once we’ve invested more, the amount of reciprocation required in our minds increases. The more we invest, the more we want back.

From Elite Daily: “Annoyingly, investing too much time and energy in someone without the person wanting it will usually push the person away. So, when you want someone whom you simply cannot have, the best thing is to relax, step back and not invest so much into that someone (no matter how difficult that may be).”

2. Perceived Value and Scarcity

This is my own theory. The less someone responds or reciprocates to advances, the more perceived value the pursuer thinks this person has (“She must be so busy!” “He must be so overcome with options!” “She must have such a high-profile job that she doesn’t have time to reply to my text from six days ago… but who’s counting?”), so we try harder since this person must really be “worth it” if he or she is in such high demand (in other words, this person is a scarce resource).

And often, the higher we perceive this other person’s value, the lower we perceive our own. This person’s lack of response, though, should not imply a higher value. Rather, at its simplest, it should imply a lack of proper communication (“I’m simply not interested”) or just rudeness.

In a non-dating context, a client once sent me an email asking a question that I thought deserved a timely response, so I replied within the hour. Rather than thanking me for the quick response and drawing the conclusion that great service is important to me as a business owner, he instead said, “Don’t you have anything better to do than to answer my emails so quickly?” Sadly, many people think you’re better/smarter/more successful when you treat them worse. Let’s turn this concept on its head and instead recognize the people who reply, are kind, and actually want to date (or work with) you.

3. Defense Mechanisms

If there are 20 people you can “get” or “date,” and there’s one person you can’t, some people will go for the unattainable because there will then be no accountability for a relationship not working. Let’s say you date someone who actually likes you, and after a number of months, the relationship fizzles. It’s no one’s fault, but you took an active role. If you chase the unattainable, though, you can never say you took that active role. Rather, you never made it to the point of the relationship, and thereby never allowed yourself to succeed or fail.

4. Science

The brain’s “happy drug” is dopamine. Our brains crave this feeling. So by going for someone we know we can’t have — or we can only have sometimes — our brains love the unpredictability because the highs are higher than if we got the desired reward all the time.

This is why breadcrumbing has entered our lexicon recently. Why would a breadcrumber, if you will, allow someone who he or she can’t really attain to keep coming back for more, only on a periodic, unpredictable basis? It’s because our brain says, “Yes! We want this!”

With the extra dopamine, though, comes added anxiety. “When is he going to text?” “I haven’t heard from her in three days, and I know she’s back from her weekend trip by now.” “If he wants to go out this weekend, he needs to ask since it’s already Friday afternoon.”

Is that a worthwhile tradeoff? I say no.

In all, it’s best to devote time and energy to what you do have and not what you don’t … or can’t. It’ll save time, energy and heartache in the end.

Which theory do you think reigns supreme?

Photo created by jcomp.

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The question is this: If someone looked at your picture, presumably liked what he saw, and then swiped right, isn’t he interested enough to write something back? Let’s look at six reasons why he may not reply to you, in order of most likely to least.

1. He swiped right without reading your profile or looking at all of your pictures, but when he did, he was no longer interested.

Sadly, this is probably the most likely scenario. He saw your first picture. You’re really attractive! You match — yay! You write to him, assuming he liked what he saw. Then, when he gets your message, he reads your profile and/or looks at the other pictures and decides, for one reason or another, that he’s just not that into you. Women often use all of the information they’re given (profile, pictures, etc.) up front and only swipe right on those they want to talk to. Men, generally, use much less discretion. As in, they make decisions based on one photo and nothing more.

2. He’s not that attracted to you (sorry) and swiped right on everyone.

It’s true — some men, knowing how discerning most women are, simply swipe right on everyone to see every single person who likes them in return. So, they may not be interested in 1) dating at all, 2) everyone they swiped on, or 3) even looking at the matches once they come through. This could just be a game or ego boost to them.

3. He forgot.

Sometimes people look at their matches, say they’re going to write later, and then simply forget. If someone likes you enough, though, he’ll remember to write back… or pay to extend the match. (Once a woman writes in her 24-hour period, the man has 24 hours to reply. If one of these conditions is not met, the match goes away.)

4. He’s busy.

He has to call his mom for her birthday! He went to the dentist to have a root canal. That report for work is a week overdue! Sometimes people are just busy and don’t make dating a priority.

5. His app isn’t sending him notifications.

I don’t know about you, but I have different notification settings for different apps. (I have no interest in my weather app telling me every time there’s a little drizzle outside! That’s what windows are for.) Some people don’t have their notifications set for the dating apps, meaning they have to actively open the app to check messages. Not everyone does.

6. Your message didn’t pass muster.

Keep your first message short, sweet, and end it with a question. Just remember that anything is better than “Hey,” or “What’s up?” because the only response to these is “Hey” and “nothing”/”not much,” respectively. Boring!

The best way to write a message is to reference something in his profile. So, if he says, “I’m an avid ping pong player,” you can say, “Ping pong, huh? I can’t say I’m avid like you are, but I bet I could give you a run for your money in tennis. Do you play?”

Sometimes, though, the other person doesn’t write a profile that provides any “message bait” (something interesting and unique for you to use in your message), so here are a few examples for when no “message bait” is provided:

• You seem like a genuine guy… am I right?
• Are you a night owl or early bird?
• You’re a mystery! Anything I should know about you?

The moral of all of this? Don’t take someone’s lack of response personally. We never know why he replies or doesn’t, even if he has seemingly expressed interest. Just take it all with a grain of salt, keep swiping, and know that the right person for you will reply.

This article originally appeared on the Tribune News Service.

The post Why Men Don’t Reply appeared first on First Date Stories.

Covid has been a double-edged sword when it comes to online dating. Pro: You suddenly have plenty of time to read profiles, swipe and message with potential matches. Con: As restaurants and bars start to reopen in many place across the country, it could still be a while until you feel comfortable hugging a stranger to say hello.

So what do you do when you find a person on a dating app or website who seems interesting? Or for some people, a first date may have already happened … but now that second date is on indefinite hold. Instead of letting a potential partner pass you by, why not arrange a virtual date?

From happy hours with friends to work conferences, everyone is turning to video calls for a sense of normalcy. Even online dating has incorporated the trend, with apps like The League and Match launching video features (Bumble already had one) so daters can chat “face-to-face” without exchanging their personal information.

Of course, it can feel quite awkward to video chat with someone with whom you’ve only exchanged texts or messages. Instead of relying solely on conversation, why not arrange for something to do, even though you’re physically apart?

A bit of friendly competition will make any digital date more fun. Visit a website Gamesgames or the app Houseparty, and find a two-player game, anything from poker to word puzzles, to spice up your Zoom session. And to make sure the stakes are high enough, let the winner get more than just bragging rights — loser has to buy the first round of drinks when you can eventually meet in person!

Since you likely live around the same area, why not order dinner for each other? Pick a delicious dish from your favorite restaurant in town and have your date order it for delivery, and you do the same with their selection. You can FaceTime while you eat dinner, chatting about their selection for you. And as a bonus, you’ll be supporting local restaurants.

Another taste bud-friendly option is heading to the virtual bar — in this case, your respective kitchens. Find some cocktail recipes you’ve been wanting to try and chat over Zoom while you make and sample your choices. In no time, your conversation will be flowing as freely as the drinks.

And while going to the movies may not be an option, your living rooms can serve as the theater. Take turns picking a movie and watch together via Netflix Party, an app that synchronizes the video and allows you to converse via group chat. Make sure you both have plenty of popcorn and candy, and you’re all set.

Other options include getting a virtual tarot card reading (maybe you’re curious what your future holds… maybe you just need a laugh), doing an online yoga class together, or touring The Louvre or another museum offering online exhibits. If you want to get artsy yourself, you can even find a drawing tutorial (Bob Ross, anyone?) on YouTube and see whose masterpiece best matches the original!

While nothing can take the place of a face-to-face meeting, there are plenty of ways to get to know someone better without even leaving your home. The key is to break from the norm, no matter how silly it seems. After all, nothing is normal nowadays!

So the next time you swipe right on a potential match and texting grows boring, suggest a virtual date. Who knows? It may lead to something much more.

This article originally appeared on the Tribune News Service.

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Let’s tackle three questions I received recently from clients. Remember that if you have a question, chances are likely that someone else has the same one, too. Without further ado…

1. What’s the biggest red flag I should look for while scouring dating profiles?

First, not all red flags are the same. Some may simply mean that the person is not ready to date, while others may be indicative of a bigger concern. It’s up to you to decide how important each is to you. Below are some common red flags to look out for:

• Photos with old time/date stamps or that are very obviously old. This shows that someone does not have confidence in who he or she is today and is not only living in the past but is trying to deceive you into meeting using falsely misleading information.
• Contradicting information or a different age listed in the profile than the text. Again, many people try to “game” the system by lowering their age to try to fit into younger prospects’ target range, but a lie is a lie, even if the person comes clean in the text of the profile.
• Too many “lifestyle” photos. What are they trying to prove? Too many (or any) photos with fancy cars, boats, etc. — especially with no one in them — show that this person is trying to compensate for something (looks, personality?) with “stuff.” Ultimately, people just want to see who is going to show up on the date. Nothing more, nothing less.
• A long list of things someone does not want in a partner. Whenever I see this, I think, “This person is bitter or not over an ex.” Write what you do want, not what you don’t. As an addendum to that, anything showing bias towards a whole group of people is a major red flag.
• A long message sharing only information about him or herself and nothing about you. This is a copy/paste job at its finest. Every message should include something specific to you.
• An urgency to connect offline immediately. Where’s the fire? If someone says, “Write to me at this email address because my subscription ends tomorrow,” then beware.
• A message containing strange links. This one is self-explanatory.
• All “sexy” photos. Either this person is only looking for one thing or is highly self-absorbed. Either one is a turn-off.
• An unwillingness to meet in a timely fashion. In the end, the point of online dating is to meet in person. If someone cannot commit to that, it’s time to cut your losses.

2. I found a person who I’m extremely attracted to, but the profile doesn’t include much information. Should I send a message or avoid these kinds of people?

It never hurts to send a message. Some people just don’t know what to say in the profile. (Though writing something is always better than writing nothing.) You could write something as simple as, “What should I know about you, Glen?” Or, “I love your photos, but your profile is blank! Anything I should know?” Or you can comment on one of the photos if there is something distinctive, like “Where was that hiking photo taken? I love going to the Shenandoahs on fall weekends.” My philosophy is to open doors and then decide later if/when to close them.

3. Should I double message a person if they don’t reply to my first note, or take that as a sign that they’re not interested?

Generally, if someone doesn’t reply to a message, it indicates that he or she is not interested. Is that true 100% of the time? Of course not. With people getting inundated on the dating apps, there’s always a chance that your message got buried in a sea of other messages.

If you do decide to double message — or write again — say something simple like, “Just wanted to check in since your profile came up again. Hope all is well!” Never be accusatory or rude with, “Why did you match with me if you weren’t planning to write?” Even if they were inclined to, they won’t now. We’ll never know why some people write back and some don’t.

This article originally appeared in the Duluth News Tribune.

The post Biggest Red Flags in Dating Profiles appeared first on First Date Stories.

Now, we all hope that the conversation flows naturally on a first date, but inevitably, most of us will be stumped at some point or another. Rather than running off to the restroom to plot your next conversation topic (been there — it’s stressful), it’s a good idea to have a few questions in your back pocket just in case the humming of the heater doesn’t quite overpower the dreaded silence.

There are certainly no right or wrong questions to ask on a date, but the ones that have the most luck require more than a simple one-word answer. You want to get the person thinking, showing them that you actually care.

For example, rather than asking, “What do you do?” (perhaps the most boring question in the book), you could ask, “What made you decide to get into medicine?” or “How do you enjoy your job as a pediatrician? I imagine it must be very rewarding.” The first question allows your date to simply say, “I’m a doctor,” but the other two require a bit more thought and introspection, leading to a more thoughtful conversation … and perhaps a second date.

Other questions that might come in handy:

• What do you generally like to do after work?
• What made you decide to move to the area, and do you enjoy it?
• How was your day? (Often overlooked, but a great conversation starter.)
• I’m just getting into podcasts and could use some recommendations. Do you have any?

Remember that this is a date, not an interview, so try to avoid acting like you’re judging the other person based on his or her answers. (Maybe you are, but keep that to yourself!) It’s best to stay away from the stereotypical interview questions like, “What is the hardest thing you’ve ever accomplished?” or “Tell me about a time where you were challenged to do something you felt was wrong?” These questions are scary, whether at an interview or a date. Don’t put the person on the spot. Rather, ask something that he or she already knows or can at least have a fun time thinking about.

Dating is about both talking and listening. The date should be a give and take, with you asking some questions and your date asking some questions. What you say is just as important as your ability to listen. And what will you be listening to? The answers to these fabulous questions you’ll ask!

This article originally appeared in the Duluth News Tribune.

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As a dating coach, the advice I give is what I know to work. Even if it works 90% of the time, I’ll still advise it. Especially since I can’t, of course, control how other people react.

I often call texting “the death of the first date” or “the place where dates go to die.” (I’m not usually this morbid. Promise.) So as I managed my own Bumble account, I wanted to prove myself wrong.

I was chatting with a guy who, after a few messages back and forth about our dogs and weekend plans, asked for my number. Actually, he said, “Maybe you’d like to meet up?” (While I’m glad he asked, I have a personal pet peeve with the “up.” Are you trying to make it seem more casual? I’d just like to meet. Period.) Regardless, I replied, “That sounds nice!” Then, he asked, “Why don’t you shoot me your number?”

Normally, I would advise a client (or myself) to say, “You know, it actually helps me stay organized to arrange the details on here, but I’m happy to plan something for this weekend.” It works like a charm. It pushes for the date while keeping the communication on the dating app so the conversation doesn’t go into the texting abyss, as it so often does.

But I decided to use this as an opportunity to re-assess my views. I realize that this sample size of one cannot draw conclusions, yet the behavior I saw was exactly as I predicted it would be:

Him: Hey this is your bumble prince (The lack of punctuation when writing to a writer is not lost on me.)

Me: Can you really be my Bumble prince if you don’t have an iPhone? (His texts were green, meaning that we’re not using iMessage, meaning that he doesn’t have an iPhone.)

Him: Yes ma’am! I make up for it

Me: We will see!

Him: Haha I’m already getting judged

Me: Not at all.

Him: Just giving you a hard time!

Me: I got it!

Him: I feel like you’re probably more sarcastic than me. (Should be “than I,” but I’ll let this go for now.) Or maybe sassy is the right word

Me: I am 0% sarcastic. I actually hate sarcasm. Sass I have in spades! (And yes, I did use the spade emoji.)

Him: How come you don’t like sarcasm?

Me: I often find it mean.

Him: Love sass! Ahh yes I can see that. I am definitely not mean

But I’m not sarcastic a lot

Sassy for sure

How’s your day going? (Note: This is where things always go downhill.)

Me: Super busy actually!! (Note: It was 1 PM on a weekday!)

Him: Ohh well then I can text you later

Me: Great!

After one more “How’s the day been??” three hours later, when I was still working, and I responded as such (though very nicely), he was never to be heard from again. Yes, I could have pushed things along if I wanted to. But I didn’t.

As I told a client recently, texting before a first date is like driving a new car off the lot — it depreciates immediately. I’d venture to say that once the phone number is given on the app, there’s a 60% chance that the first date will no longer happen. Why? People get lazy. They text, “How is your day?” vs. “Let’s confirm our plans for Sunday. How’s 4 p.m. in Shaw?”

Or someone says something that gets misconstrued. Or someone sends something inappropriate. You might be thinking, “Wouldn’t I want to know if someone is like that before we meet?” Sure. But I still want you to just get to the date in order to make the assessment for yourself.

So, as much as I wanted to prove myself wrong, I stand by my advice to keep the date planning on the dating apps and then only exchange numbers at the last minute for contingencies. People get in their own way without knowing it. Don’t let them.

This article originally appeared in the Duluth News Tribune.

Image by Karolina Grabowska from Pixabay.

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