The flip of numbers on a calendar can invite us to picture mistakes and regrets as behind us, and the year’s path ahead as fresh, open, unsullied. Yet, how many of the resolutions set for a new year are actually achieved? According to research, only 8 – 9%.

So how do you make a change in the way you date and stick to it? A lot of us who have been dating for a while realize that we’re repeating behaviors that we’re not happy about. What makes it possible for us to dissolve an old pattern? How do we see ourselves through a process of change, with all its ups and downs, to the point where we can finally reap the benefits of our hard work?

While there are multiple approaches that a woman can take to improve her romantic life, one of the most critical is understanding the source of limiting patterns and strengthening self-compassion. Over the years, my clients have found this to be key to ‘staying in the game of change’ through the inevitable moments of discouragement, fear or confusion.

Have you ever helped a child get back on track when s/he was feeling discouraged? Replay your gentle, patient and encouraging tone of voice. Practice using it on yourself. Consistently. This is the voice of self-compassion.

What I’ve seen help women the most maintain this loving attitude is understanding the forces that shaped the pattern they’re trying to change.

Let’s take a look at a client of mine who wanted to be more selective about who she’d date a second time. She felt impatient when she caught herself making excuses for, or “wasting time” with, men who weren’t right for her. Aware that she gave men more than a fair chance, she nonetheless continued to overlook serious mismatches on things she cared about, like education, humor, cultural interests, politics, and even on what mattered most to her, reliability. She had a long list of exes as proof that her compromises hadn’t turned any dubious matches into good ones. But it was still hard to say “no” when a man showed interest.

The stickiness of her habit was all the more frustrating because she recognized its limits. She was convinced that “trying to make it work” with unsuitable men was actually selling herself short.

But the pattern didn’t really start to change until she understood why it was so hard for her to let go of a possible partner. The inconsistent love she got as a child had created a scarcity consciousness, which dictated that she’d better ‘take what she could get,’ since it might not come again, and couldn’t be counted on to last.

She began to see how this early experience of love caused her to settle for less than what she wanted, and helped to reframe her family’s dynamics as only one of many versions of love.  Finally, she saw how her empathy and imagination, which helped her manage her parents erratic style, now worked against her, making it easy to invent stories in her head about why a man who couldn’t meet her needs was a good match.

She’s been able to make important progress. She now hears herself when she starts excusing behaviors that don’t work for her, and ends the relationship if her date isn’t able to shift in response to her feedback.

She spends less time weaving stories about who the men might be, and more time trying to understand the source of the problem. She’s exchanged time in her head for more time in the moment; saying what she thinks, feels and needs to her date, as appropriate to the situation. She puts her attention on his behavior and responsiveness instead of projecting what he might be capable of in the future.

But sometimes it’s still hard for her to say “no” to a second date she knows won’t amount to much. She can get angry and discouraged that she hasn’t ‘kicked the habit’ yet. She’s underway with her transition to a different way of dating, but hasn’t yet put her new practices into action every time. Does this sound familiar?

In my experience, this is how most of us undergo change. We build the muscle bit by bit, through practice, falling short, correcting course, trying again, getting feedback from real-world experiments which slowly strengthen our new skill. Over time we change our sense of what’s possible. All the while, we must keep circling back to check in with where we are in the process, and not be our own worst critic.

If you find yourself in the admirable quest to improve your dating life, you are also likely to find yourself in the common, human place of needing time and practice to get it right. Sometimes we label this “failure”. I think it’s more accurate to call it growth.

Here are ways in which you, like my client, can keep on track to change the way you date and overcome the moments of disappointment or frustration that you may encounter.

• Talk to yourself with empathy. Remind yourself of the reasons that making this change is hard.
• Give yourself credit for being proactive in remaking your romantic life.
• Reframe “failure.” Think of it as merely part of the process.
• Allow yourself to have whatever feelings you are having, instead of blaming yourself for it. Letting yourself have these feelings without judgment actually allows them to dissipate sooner.

And then, feelings sorted and soothed, you can return your focus to the dating shifts you want to make. It’s possible to shift even the most stubborn patterns.

Consider that your hard-to-break habits started for a good reason, and were likely devised by a much younger you, who was doing the best she could in a situation she couldn’t control. Sustain a practice of compassion towards yourself. That loving kindness will not only support your changes, but radiate outward to everyone you meet – including your future partner who will be drawn to your capacity to love, a love that begins with yourself.

I encourage you to try this approach to building your own stamina so that you can achieve the personal changes you want to make this year.

*Paraphrased from Mary Oliver’s “The Summer Day”

The post Change How You Date and Make it Stick appeared first on First Date Stories.

Dear Gwen,

So many women have this experience! They also ask “why does he only talk about himself?” In fact, it’s the most common complaint I get from my dating clients. Let’s take a closer look at four reasons why he may be talking all about himself and not asking about you, on the spot assessments to figure out why the conversation is one-sided and some ways to decide if it’s worth seeing him again.   

1. He is Relying on Male Bonding Behaviors: Men often connect and learn about each other through shared activities, not shared vulnerabilities. They typically exchange stories more than feelings and are more comfortable supplying practical help over emotional support.  Of course, some men are fluent with feelings and skillful at reading your cues. But they often relate to women initially in the well-worn conversational grooves they’ve developed with other men, and in the ways that come most easily.

How to Assess:

Assuming that you can get a word in edgewise, show you’re willing to share, while modeling the communication you want. For example, let’s say you’re ordering food at a Thai restaurant. You remember when you discovered you love Thai food, and that it was a special time in your life. You could say something like,

“I love this soup. I remember the first time I tasted it was at the start of college. I couldn’t believe all the flavors exploding all at once. Wow! I didn’t know flavors could be that complex. It was a great start to all the changes college sparked in me.“

You’ve then left the door wide open for him to be curious about you. And you’ve primed him to touch on his feelings and deeper stories. When he’s talking, keep in mind that by asking “how” and “why” follow up questions, you will invite more sharing about his inner life.

2. His Empathy Is Gender Blind: Men can miss the mark by drawing on their experience about what makes for a comfortable date, and assume you want something similar. I’ve had male clients whose approach is to resist asking a woman “too many” questions on first dates. They prefer to give the women endless “space” and “no pressure.” Afraid they might intrude, or stumble into disrespecting a woman’s privacy, these men take what looks like a safer route – hoping the women they’re out with will volunteer whatever information is comfortable. While well-intentioned, for most women, this kind of “gender-blind” consideration feels more like disinterest than empathy. 

How to Assess:

Speak up! Grab some of that space! If he interrupts, or seems less engaged when you’re the one talking, that’s a sign there’s something besides misplaced kindness going on. But if he engages, you’ll have discovered that he is interested in learning more about you.

3. He Is Locked into “Alpha Male” Behavior: The term “alpha male” was coined in the study of animal behavior, to describe the dominant male of the group who has successfully fought off other males to secure first rights to mating and resources.

How does that contest influence dating behavior? The man sipping his coffee across the table from you may be thinking about the other men he imagines are vying for your favor. But he may get too busy trying to beat his perceived competitors, skewing his attention towards his performance instead of your mutual connection.

All of the talking he’s doing about himself could simply be his attempt to show off in order to impress you (more than other men have). He wants your good opinion, but this way of vying for it makes you feel unimportant, even invisible.

Sometimes you can see a version of male display (think peacocks with their tails spread) in his online profile. For example, if the profile is jam-packed with photos of his boat, motorcycle, expensive car, etc. he could be showing off that he has discretionary income and wants women to imagine the fun time he can show them.

Though it’s easy to interpret his display of goods as “I love my toys,” or “See all the money I can throw around,” it may be his way of signaling something he considers essential to his identity – that he is a provider who can take care of you. Whatever you may think of such claims, his perspective, having resources and an implied willingness to share them is a defining part of his masculinity. Does this mean he’s insecure, too invested in “winning,” a show-off? Or is he just expressing a natural instinct?

How to Assess:

Redirect his conversation to find out if he can allow some vulnerability by setting up the following conversation and asking some of these questions:

You seem really good at a lot of things. I’m curious. We all have things that are harder for us. I know I do.

• • What’s something that’s challenging of you?
  • Has anything ever made you change your course?
  • Would you be willing to tell me about a time you’ve doubted yourself? How did you deal with it?

You can offer your own example of a challenge, course correction or moment of self-doubt and how you handled it to show that you don’t expect him to be the only one to take a risk and share. Risking some authenticity at the outset is a good way to indicate the kind of relationship you’re looking to create, where part of the adventure is sharing “your perfect imperfections”, as John Legend sings so poignantly.

If your date deflects, minimizes, changes the subject, laughs it off and refuses to be brought back to a real answer, that indicates some guardedness. Most people who are secure, confident and know themselves can admit they have a growing edge. If he has to seem “together” at all times, consider this a red flag.

4. A Man Who Dominates an Initial Conversation May Be a Little Scared. Some male clients of mine have worried that if they stop trying to impress a woman too soon, she’ll see his flaws before he knows if she can accept them. This type of man doesn’t yet know how kind his date is, or if she’s quick to judge. To minimize the risk, he may keep trying to control her perception via his performance. The motivation for talking to much here has to do with entertainment and distraction, while he tries to find out if it’s safe to be himself more fully with her.

How to Assess:

Try to determine if he is scared or simply self-involved. Segue from his story to one of your own. Does he go with it? Listen well? Ask follow up questions?

To make this transition, you can convey that you want time to talk by saying:

• • I’d love to tell you about ….
  • Is there anything you’d like to know about me?

Or, you can be more direct:

• • It’s been interesting hearing about you, but it’s starting to feel a bit one-sided.
  • I wonder why it’s gone that way?

If you’ve listened to too much of your date’s chatter for too long, you may not care about the reasons he’s monopolizing the conversation, just that he’s interfered with a rewarding night of Netflix. Believe me, I’m not encouraging you to submit to pointless torture.

The male monologue is discouraging and one of the biggest turnoffs when meeting a new man. But remember, we are talking about a first date. Fear shows all of us at our worst. Habits are often unconscious. We can all make the wrong assumptions. He doesn’t know you yet or if you’re capable of patience, acceptance and compassion.

Given all that, if he’s off to a bad start, could he still be worth a second try? Remember that you have the power to find out a lot in the first few dates: Can he respond with some vulnerability and/or flexibly shift his focus to you? Can he listen, share and act with empathy? Does he show signs that he’s capable of an equal, respectful partnership?

So, if you otherwise like him — if there’s some charm, insight, self-deprecating humor even; if he seems kind, funny, smart underneath his bravado; if you’re attracted, or simply if you love the same authors/dive bars/cuff links/you-name-it — then test his capacity to respond to your influence before writing him off. Doing so will empower you on future dates. And you may find a wonderful man just below the surface!

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