We’ve all been on bad first dates. When you think about them, are there any common themes? Below are seven things not to do on a first date. Whether you have chemistry or not, avoiding these things will make the date a better experience for everyone.

1. Talking about your ex/past relationships

If you’re talking about your ex in a positive light, it looks like you’re not over that person. And if you’re talking about your ex in a negative light, it looks like you’re not over that person… and likely somewhat bitter about it.

A few years ago, I went on a date with someone I had matched with on Tinder. He seemed nice enough… until he mentioned his ex-wife. I didn’t ask any questions about that relationship because it’s really not my business, and I encourage people to keep things light on the first date. Without any prompting, he proceeded to tell me a long list of negative things about her and how she made him miserable, in addition to telling me that she had a mental illness. A few thoughts immediately went through my mind:

He’s not over her.

If he speaks that poorly of her, what would he say about me one day?

He shares very personal information about other people with strangers.

I was certainly flattered that he felt comfortable enough to share this information with me, but it was completely inappropriate in that setting (at a bar, mind you). He also did not pick up on my cues to change the direction of the conversation. While he and I didn’t have enough in common to warrant another date anyway, the fact that he spent the majority of the date bashing his ex sealed the deal for me.

Some people think it’s fun to share sob stories. It’s not… at least not on a first date, when you should simply be seeing if you have rapport with someone.

2. Being late with no notice or being excessively late, even with notice

You’re running late. Things happen. Be kind enough to notify your date with ample time, if possible.

I once had a date that started at 3 pm. I arrived at 2:59pm and didn’t see him, so I texted to ask if he was inside. He replied at 3:04pm that he was on his way. He arrived at 3:08pm with no apology. I wouldn’t have cared at all that he was running late. But the fact that he didn’t tell me in advance — and didn’t apologize — was enough to make me annoyed. Remember that your time is no more valuable than anyone else’s.

3. Having your phone out or texting someone else

It’s rude, plain and simple. When you have your phone out, the other person assumes you’re looking for better plans or would jump to leave at the first ding of a text. For the duration of the date, try to put your phone away. (And “away” does not mean screen-side down. It means out of view.) An exception, of course, is if you’re expecting a call or text. Then, simply tell your date up front.

4. Talking about any one topic (especially work… or yourself) too much

If you talk about work the whole time, it feels like an interview. If you talk about yourself, you sound self-absorbed. Make sure the conversation is a give-and-take and it flows.

5. Being rude to a server… or anyone

Treat people kindly, no matter who they are.

6. Not tipping well

Be generous. Tip well.

7. Flipping the “off” switch if not interested

Sometimes you walk into a date, and you know within the first five minutes it’s not a match. That’s OK — it happens! But rather than running through your grocery list in your head during the date, try to stay present and engaged. You both made the time to be there, so it’s best to make the most of it, learn something, and try to enjoy yourself in some capacity.

Now that you know what not to do, it’s time to get dating. And don’t forget to smile!

This article originally appeared on the Tribune News Service.

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If you’re looking to marry, how do you know if he’s the one? Is he ready for marriage? Besides giving due weight to chemistry and other concerns, you can do some “litmus testing” to find out which qualities he has that you can accept and which ones spell trouble.

Marriage-readiness is necessary. It can’t be forced. When he’s ready, he’s ready and not a moment before. If you’re able to manipulate a not ready man into marrying you, he may resent you for a long time. You don’t want that, do you? So do test for readiness.

The “Sex and the City” television characters once compared a marriage-ready man to a taxi: At a certain time, he becomes ready to commit. His “available” light goes on and the next woman in his life gets the ring.

Signs of His Readiness

You can tell the difference between a man who’s got the light on and one who’s just driving around in the dark. Here are some positive signs of his readiness:

• The singles scene no longer appeals to him.
• He’s financially independent.
• He’s at least able to talk about the idea of commitment.
• He wants to be a dad or is willing to be a step-dad, if this applies to you.
• He’s your boyfriend in name — your husband in spirit. He makes plans for the future, introduces you to his family and friends. He calls you regularly, wanting to hear about your day and to tell you about his. He’s open and honest.

Financial independence relates especially to a man who desires to start a family because he’s likely to want to be financially secure before marrying. Regardless of your age and life stage, if you want a responsible partner who is able to commit to a job, pay his bills, and so on, look for these qualities.

If a man objects to any talk about your future, he’s probably not ready for marriage. To further test the waters, tell him directly how you feel. You can say candidly that you’re wondering whether he’s dating with the hope of finding a wife or if he’s just, well, dating.

Signs that He’s Not into You

If he says he doesn’t want to marry, believe him and move on. But even if he does want it, make sure the answer to questions like these is a clear “No”:

• Does he spend irresponsibly?
• Does he speak negatively about marriage?
• Does he hurt you by being unreliable or abusive; or by lying, cheating, or flirting with other women?

Watch out for red flags. If you want a good husband who is ready for marriage, know that a “Yes” to any of the above questions will likely disqualify him, even if he’s charming and says he loves you.

Test for Long-Term Compatibility

Talk about what your lives together would look like after marriage. Even many couples who live together first say that marriage changes their relationship.

Say what matters to each of you. Maybe my husband sensed that I wasn’t cut out for a traditional gender-based division of responsibilities. One evening while we sat on my living room couch, well before we got engaged, he said, “I’m not the kind of guy who expects his wife to have dinner on the table at a certain time each evening.”

Green light for me. I could be myself with him.

This is the main thing to test for: are you fine being yourselves with each other and able to accept your differences over time?

This article originally appeared on PsychCentral.

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As a dating coach and someone who has found her husband online (after several very interesting years of serial dating!), I sincerely see dating apps as a gift. Their technology enables us to connect with geographically diverse folks, with whom we would not cross paths otherwise in our regular routines or social circles. They also provide us with an unparalleled window into our vast, fascinating, multicultural world.

On the flipside, however, online dating has the uncanny ability to throw us into swirls of negativity. Using those apps—most of which gamify dating to make it resemble “hot or not”—can make us feel as though we are products rather than complex individuals, and lead us to regularly question our own value.

Dating App Fatigue

That’s why many people see online dating as a process that is soul-sucking and dehumanizing. In fact, several of my coaching clients suffer from dating app fatigue. They report getting depressed, insecure, cynical, bored, even angry when using the apps.

Let’s face it: there’s nothing inherently enchanting about swiping through hundreds of bathroom selfies, pixelated photos of strangers in sunglasses, awkward group shots, and/or profiles of attractive people who won’t like or write us back.

The trouble is, dating is not a game; our hearts and life narratives are on the line.

So, is there a way to bring more joy and humanity into dating in our increasingly online world?

On the one hand, I always encourage daters to “diversify their portfolio” beyond online dating and look for opportunities to meet like-minded folks in other contexts, such as social events, networking organizations, classes, festivals, and meetups. These activities are both vitalizing and likely to help us attract a compatible partner based on common interests and engagement in an activity that makes us shine.

However, eliminating online dating altogether can result in missed opportunities—both to meet a great partner, and to develop our relational skills. In spite of all their flaws, there are powerful ways to humanize dating apps, use them for our own good, as well as the common good! Enter Mindful Swiping!

What is Mindful Swiping?

Mindful Swiping is a way to use online dating as a mindfulness practice—one that helps us cultivate love, awareness, presence, equanimity, and genuine care for ourselves and others while we look for romantic connection.

It’s not hard to do. Here’s how:

Step 1: Remember that your first responsibility and commitment is to yourself and your own wellbeing. No more swiping through profiles while in line at the grocery store or while sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. Instead, create a ritual time and space around your use of the apps. You might want to designate a special spot in your home that makes you feel relaxed, light some candles, listen to some music, and tune into your heart space. Breathe deeply. Connect with your intentions to share your love.

Create a compassionate space within and around you for whatever emotions come up, so that they can be seen, welcomed, and loved. Having at least one friend, coach, or therapist to share your dating journey with is also key in counteracting any sense of isolation that might come up from using dating apps

Step 2: Write a bold, authentic dating profile that truly honors you as you date online. Use the process of profile creation as an act of self-love. Have a friend or photographer take beautiful pictures of you, and practice genuine self-expression when composing the profile text.

Step 3: Connect with the fact that there is a three-dimensional human on the other side of the app. Here is a soul, a heart, a body that’s longing to be loved, with their unique path, traumas, fears, history, and social conditioning. No one is “just a photo”; we are all thirsty for connection, belonging, and respect.

Embrace that online dating is a wonderful opportunity to practice loving-kindness. Loving-kindness is a Buddhist meditation focused on sending love to strangers. Its practitioners aim to cultivate inner peace, while also building a better society.

You can practice it with folks you encounter online by sending the following thought to each one of them, no matter if they initially disgust or attract you: “Just as I wish to, may you be safe, may you be healthy, may you live with ease and happiness.” Feel into the truth of these words, and send genuine goodwill to that person. Creating kindness out of a difficult situation is one of the most powerful actions we can take to create a better world and a better self.

Step 4: Accept the outcome. Remember that cultivating your intentions, aligning your heart and your actions, and doing the footwork of looking for a partner will pay off, no matter what the immediate outcome is (or isn’t). Dating apps are not the only way to meet your special someone—or to create love in your life—but they are a fabulous practice ground. Bringing as much intention as humorous detachment into the practice, and be kind to yourself, always.

In sum, Mindful Swiping is all about honoring our own humanity and that of others, even in a context that typically lends itself to forgetting all about it. Sending love to ourselves and others in spite of the negative emotions we feel is a mighty way to grow our own strength, resilience, and to flip the dynamics of online dating from feeling powerless to feeling empowered, from waiting to be chosen to bringing goodness to the world, and from feeling like a victim to feeling like a gift.

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You like someone. They like you….maybe. You continue liking this person. This person stops liking you (or never did) and pulls back. You like this person more. This person, feeling smothered, continues to pull back. You continue to obsess more.

Why should a person’s feelings actually grow the less someone is reciprocating those loving feelings?

There are a few theories on this:

1. Overinvestment

Elite Daily describes this theory in detail. It says that a principle on which our minds work is reciprocity. If we do something for someone, even if we haven’t asked for something in return, we subconsciously expect the person to do something in return of about equal value. (Conversely, if someone does something nice for us, many of us will simply want to reciprocate.) These things could range from dinner to something as simple as a text response.

When the person of interest does not reciprocate, however, rather than retreating, we instead tend to invest more in the hopes of the other person responding. And then once we’ve invested more, the amount of reciprocation required in our minds increases. The more we invest, the more we want back.

From Elite Daily: “Annoyingly, investing too much time and energy in someone without the person wanting it will usually push the person away. So, when you want someone whom you simply cannot have, the best thing is to relax, step back and not invest so much into that someone (no matter how difficult that may be).”

2. Perceived Value and Scarcity

This is my own theory. The less someone responds or reciprocates to advances, the more perceived value the pursuer thinks this person has (“She must be so busy!” “He must be so overcome with options!” “She must have such a high-profile job that she doesn’t have time to reply to my text from six days ago… but who’s counting?”), so we try harder since this person must really be “worth it” if he or she is in such high demand (in other words, this person is a scarce resource).

And often, the higher we perceive this other person’s value, the lower we perceive our own. This person’s lack of response, though, should not imply a higher value. Rather, at its simplest, it should imply a lack of proper communication (“I’m simply not interested”) or just rudeness.

In a non-dating context, a client once sent me an email asking a question that I thought deserved a timely response, so I replied within the hour. Rather than thanking me for the quick response and drawing the conclusion that great service is important to me as a business owner, he instead said, “Don’t you have anything better to do than to answer my emails so quickly?” Sadly, many people think you’re better/smarter/more successful when you treat them worse. Let’s turn this concept on its head and instead recognize the people who reply, are kind, and actually want to date (or work with) you.

3. Defense Mechanisms

If there are 20 people you can “get” or “date,” and there’s one person you can’t, some people will go for the unattainable because there will then be no accountability for a relationship not working. Let’s say you date someone who actually likes you, and after a number of months, the relationship fizzles. It’s no one’s fault, but you took an active role. If you chase the unattainable, though, you can never say you took that active role. Rather, you never made it to the point of the relationship, and thereby never allowed yourself to succeed or fail.

4. Science

The brain’s “happy drug” is dopamine. Our brains crave this feeling. So by going for someone we know we can’t have — or we can only have sometimes — our brains love the unpredictability because the highs are higher than if we got the desired reward all the time.

This is why breadcrumbing has entered our lexicon recently. Why would a breadcrumber, if you will, allow someone who he or she can’t really attain to keep coming back for more, only on a periodic, unpredictable basis? It’s because our brain says, “Yes! We want this!”

With the extra dopamine, though, comes added anxiety. “When is he going to text?” “I haven’t heard from her in three days, and I know she’s back from her weekend trip by now.” “If he wants to go out this weekend, he needs to ask since it’s already Friday afternoon.”

Is that a worthwhile tradeoff? I say no.

In all, it’s best to devote time and energy to what you do have and not what you don’t … or can’t. It’ll save time, energy and heartache in the end.

Which theory do you think reigns supreme?

Photo created by jcomp.

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As a therapist, I often see a self-defeating pattern in clients: they hold back from expressing their authentic selves — their true feelings, wants, and needs to a relationship partner.

What’s wrong with that?

What’s wrong is that by failing to communicate in ways that respect who we really are, we miss out on getting the kind of relationship we long for. We feel frustrated when we aren’t understood, don’t get our needs met, and don’t know what’s on the other person’s mind. Communicating openly usually fosters a more emotionally and spiritually fulfilling relationship.

The story below shows how holding back, because we fear being hurt, can harm a relationship and how speaking from the heart, kindly and respectfully, can help you connect with your partner and also with others in a more meaningful, satisfying way.

Elizabeth’s Story

Elizabeth came to see me because she wanted to get married. A high-powered, successful entrepreneur who’d built her own software company, she found dating confusing. “I meet men and a lot of them seem interested. But sometimes I’m attracted to a man and spend time with him and it turns out he just likes me as a friend.” After she’d seen Bill a few times, Elizabeth told me, “He said to me, ‘I like you,’ but how am I supposed to know what that means?”

“Why not ask him? I suggested.

Elizabeth looked shocked. “I couldn’t do that,” she said. “I wouldn’t know what to say.”

She could say to Bill, smiling, “Thank you. I like hearing you say that. I also wonder, do you mean platonically or …?” In whatever words she might chose, by asking Bill politely what he means, she would be being vulnerable because his response might disappoint her. She wants a romantic relationship that leads to marriage. By asking Bill what he means, she’d is likely to gain clarity about whether to spend more time with him. She’s also letting him know that she is open to hearing him talk about his true self, and to revealing her own authentic self to him.

But Elizabeth hadn’t learned that it is okay to be so direct. She didn’t want to put Bill on the spot like that, she said. But perhaps she didn’t want to risk that he would break her romantic fantasy bubble. As long as his intention remained vague to her, she would be able to think that Bill could be “the one.”

Is Vulnerability Worth the Risk?

Being vulnerable means communicating our true feelings, thoughts, wants, and needs. Yes, doing so can be risky. If Bill had told Elizabeth that he viewed her as a friend, business associate, or client, and she had hoped for something different, she would have felt disappointed, rejected, or hurt — feelings none of us want to bear.

But being vulnerable with Bill would pay off for Elizabeth, however he responded. If he said he wanted to date her, and she learned that he was marriage minded, she would continue to get to know him and see where things led. If he’d said that he liked her only as a friend, she would move on to finding someone with more potential for marriage.

Another way Elizabeth avoids being vulnerable is by insisting on paying for herself on dates. Most men prefer to pay, at least for the first date, according to my research conducted with men of all ages. “Let him treat you, at least the first time,” I suggested, “if he offers.”

Being Vulnerable Means Letting Go of Trying to Control

For Elizabeth, allowing a man to treat, and thanking him would convey her own vulnerability. She thinks she is protecting herself. She believes that many men think that paying for her dinner entitles him to make a romantic or sexual overture and to expect her to accept it. Paying for herself is her way of trying to control the relationship, to make sure whatever happens is on her terms, not his.

Controlling behavior is the opposite of being vulnerable. Elizabeth would be true to herself by recognizing that most men don’t expect the payoff she imagines they do; that it’s fine for a man to treat, and that her “thank you” is all he expects. If he does expect romance or sex to result, to that she can say, “No, thank you!”

Benefits of Vulnerability

Being vulnerable means being in control of yourself, not being in control of the relationship. Yes, it can feel safer to be with a man (or woman) you think you can control. You can avoid having to experience awkward situations, disagreements, and hurt feelings. But think about what you might be losing — the chance to connect meaningfully with a potential or actual spouse. By being vulnerable, you’re more likely to gain a relationship that’s emotionally and spiritually fulfilling, and lasts a lifetime.

The post Can I Be Vulnerable with Him? appeared first on First Date Stories.

The ultimate goal of dating and intimate relationships is to reach a juicy, heart-expanding, mutual YES!

But—you won’t be able to reach that full YES until you master your NO. 

Saying NO—to unwanted dates, sexual acts, relationships, etc.— is something many of my clients struggle with. But it’s an essential skill for finding and growing loving relationships, because:

• Saying NO to what we don’t want clears space in our lives for what we TRULY do want!
• Saying NO when we aren’t fully enthusiastic releases other people from our fake, or halfhearted YES, and gives them the freedom to pursue their own true YES.

Our ability to voice a clear and loving NO sets us and others free from untruth.

In other words, it’s the KIND thing to do! Clarity = kindness.

There’s a variety of reasons that can make saying NO a scary thing:

• We are afraid that saying NO will lead to loneliness
• We dislike hurting someone’s feelings
• We have been socialized to be polite and to people-please rather than to be authentic
• We are confused about what our YES and our NO even are
• We feel that saying NO is unsafe (we might have been punished for it at some point)
• We don’t know how to say NO without shutting down emotionally and feeling disconnected

These obstacles can be overcome with mindful awareness and practice. We can learn to say NO in a way that feels safe, grounded, caring, and connected. 

For example, you can enroll a trusted friend into this powerful exercise.:

Take turns making hypothetical requests from one another (ask for a hug, for a date, for a kiss, etc.) and say “no”, or “no, thank you” from the heart to each one—even if you feel like saying yes. Feel into how that NO reverberates in your body, and visualize expressing your NO from the center of your chest—and integrating care, connection, and kindness. Practicing this skill in a safe, controlled environment can make it easier to say NO to a date when it feels vulnerable.

It can be scary to move away from people-pleasing and into the vulnerability of radically authentic expression—but the quality of your intimate relationships depends on it. Becoming more honest with yourself and others about your desires, needs, and boundaries is fundamental to building love partnerships based on truth and on love, rather than on fear.

In other words: when your lover can fully trust your NO, only then can they fully trust your YES. This is when the true discovery of another human being may really begin, without pretense—this is genuine intimacy.

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Your mindset is the key to finding love. It sets the tone for how you look at life, how you react to things that happen to you and how successful you are in all endeavors. This is especially true when it comes to tackling the dating world head-on, especially as a woman over 40 who is determined to find a man who compliments her well-established life.

Learn from your Experiences

Your mindset is the way your brain processes and reprocesses information, experiences and events in your life. Because of the inherent need to process things that have happened to you, there is a deep emotional connection formed between your mindset and the way you feel about the experiences of your past, present and future. The lens through which you view your experiences shapes your entire being. Instead of looking at challenging situations as roadblocks or limitations, view them as an opportunity to grow and learn.

Your Mindset Defines Who You Are to Yourself

Have you ever felt that nagging sense of self-doubt or questioned your own strength or abilities? You’re not alone. We all have at one point or another. Our mindset is what can make us feel less-than in situations that are foreign or new to us.

Changing up your thinking and actions can have a positive impact on your mind while boosting your self-love meter. If you’re struggling with self-doubt, consider incorporating positive, life-affirming activities into your day-to-day routine, such as daily affirmations, a healthy self-care regimen and surrounding yourself with people and things that boost your self-confidence regularly. Avoid toxic relationships and situations that can play a critical role in your overall mental health and positive mindset.

Women Who Find Love Believe they Can

Your mindset sets the tone for your love life. Women who believe they deserve love take consistent action and don’t give up, even when times are tough. Although dating can feel overwhelming and frustrating, it’s not impossible to date and find love no matter the circumstances. We’ve all been through things that make us question our self-worth and our own ability to love ourselves and others, right? The difference between finding love and swearing it off for eternity is your mindset. Today… right now… is the time to believe that you will find love and not give up until you achieve it. If you believe it, you will achieve it.

Enjoy the Journey

You are looking for a soulmate so that you two can ultimately relish life together. Then why not do your best to enjoy the journey that is bringing you to him? When you’re scrolling through profiles, instead of looking for “the one,” look for a potential coffee date. Instead of peppering him with a list of questions to determine if he is marriage material, enjoy the moment and be present in his presence. Avoid running your hardest to reach the finish line and enjoy the journey through every stage of the process.

Understanding that your goals are within reach will have a positive impact on your mindset. Trust the process and also know that the road to finding a great guy and creating a loving relationship takes determination, and most of all, patience. Stay committed to your purpose without overshadowing your goal by rushing through things.

Never Take Rejection Personally

A positive mindset sets you up for success allowing you not to take rejection personally. Not everyone is meant for you. You can’t expect to fall in love with your soulmate on every date you agree to and there is beauty in that.

Just because your date doesn’t think you’re a good fit for them doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. The opposite is similarly true. Instead of taking rejection as a personal punch to the gut, think of it as a way to clear the path before you. Every rejection leads you closer to finding the man who is meant for you. Never take rejection as a way to dive back into self-doubt. Instead, use it as an opportunity to celebrate who you are unapologetically.

Dating can be tough. But with a positive mindset, you will find the man of your dreams. Use this year as a time to rid yourself of any lingering self-doubt and move forward with faith in your abilities and in yourself as a whole. You are a complete and beautiful woman just as you are! Embrace a positive mindset and go out and discover all that is meant for you.

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Rejection is a universal pain point. As social creatures, we all crave feeling included, desired, and chosen. It is thus no surprise that rejection often represents the most vulnerable area of our intimate lives—especially when we are single and looking for a partner.

Moreover, as the fast-paced world of online dating provides us with endless opportunities to meet new people, it also implies endless opportunities to get rejected.

After coaching people from all backgrounds, I have found that the fear of rejection is the number one hurdle to finding and creating fulfilling relationships. However, I have also found that working consciously with that experience can deepen our ability to love in a profound, radically authentic way.

As counter-intuitive as it may seem, the pain of rejection can OPEN a door to become truly available for love!

In this blog post, I distill the lessons I’ve learned from my own rejection experiences and those of my coaching clients into a formula for turning rejection into a catalyst for self-actualization—a process that carves a path for true love and intimacy.

1. Use Rejection as a Flashlight

Rejection can be a powerful flashlight: when we use it to look inward, it illuminates the places in us that need the most healing. Ask yourself, “Where is the fear or pain of rejection coming from, exactly?” to reveal precisely where your emotional wounds are. This awareness is the first step of healing and transforming these wounds, and living an emancipated life.

Once we see where the fear or pain of rejection is coming from, we can then work to love ourselves more radically in those spaces.

For example, if a person doesn’t feel physically beautiful, feeling rejected in a dating situation will trigger the pain associated with lacking love for one’s own body. Seeing this dynamic clearly will allow a person to undertake self-love practices focused on their body, such as lathering lotion on themselves every night while intentionally infusing love into all the nooks and crannies. Actions like these can create a new vibration around us, and shift our social dynamics.

We are constantly teaching others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. How we feel about ourselves matters so much more than how we look—because people largely see us the way we see ourselves. When we love our own nooks and crannies, we automatically inspire others to love our nooks and crannies too!

2. Give Up on “Fitting In”

The fear of rejection usually comes from our addiction to external sources of validation. We are a hyper-social species programmed to seek belonging and approval from others as a matter of survival, beginning in infancy.

Paradoxically, as adults, the best way to attract love and genuine intimacy is to offer our own love freely, while releasing others from having to make us feel good about ourselves.

As a teenager, I was labeled a “reject” by my peers and became socially isolated for several years. What eventually freed me from the pain of utter rejection was the process of GIVING UP on being liked or “chosen” based on “fitting in.” When I realized that I did not have the option of “fitting in,” I was forced to give up on ever fitting in.

What a RELIEF! I was freed from the tyranny of seeking external approval, so I went on to carve my own path based on freedom and authenticity. I found my internal source of boundless love and acceptance—and that newfound confidence began to magnetize people into my life. In other words, I started receiving love from my peers once I stopped demanding it from them and started producing it for myself.

Anchoring your heart within your inner source of love might not happen overnight; but, the more you cultivate it, the more peaceful you will feel, and the more attractive you will become to others.

3. Strengthen Your Nervous System and Give Love Freely

A steady commitment to cultivating a network of loving relationships can strengthen our nervous systems and build our resilience to rejection.

According to the polyvagal theory pioneered by Dr. Stephen Porges, both children and adults need regular, safe connections with others to “co-regulate” and develop emotional health and resilience. This means that cultivating life-affirming relationships helps us get into the habit of feeling safe inside of ourselves—which is the essence of emotional resilience. Thus, prioritizing connection with our family, friends, and colleagues builds our embodied ability to feel safe when things get hard.

In the context of dating, having a strong social network will make the perceived “threat” of rejection slide off our back much more easily—rather than throw us into a fight, flight, or freeze state.

And how do we build a strong social network? By giving love. Giving love, especially when it’s difficult, forces us to stay connected with our inner source of strength—the abundant, unlimited geyser of generosity that lays inside each one of us. Accessing that source, especially when we are feeling offended or rejected, shifts the emotional dynamic from being a VICTIM and into being a GIVER. This not only feels much better to us, but it also makes us tremendously more attractive to others who are naturally drawn to our abundant, courageous, and daring love.

4. Cultivate Gratitude

The fear of rejection relies on a sense of scarcity; but gratitude is rooted in the perception of abundance. As such, gratitude is an antidote to rejection.

Too often, we date with expectations that others will meet our needs. When these expectations are unfulfilled, we experience disappointment and even feelings of betrayal and anger.

When we cultivate gratitude, we remind ourselves that everything is a gift. Remembering that we are not entitled to anything from anyone, and that nothing should ever be taken for granted, helps us see the glass as half full rather than half empty.

A 2-minute daily gratitude practice can create a river of abundance in your life. Try writing down one thing you are grateful for every single day, and deeply give thanks for it. This simple practice will gently enhance the flow of receptivity in your life, and help you magnetize love!

5. Choose Life!

Choosing life fully is to approach every situation with an attitude of engaged curiosity rather than judgment or condemnation. It is about viewing the multitude of moments that we experience every single day—even the disappointing ones—as opportunities to proactively create goodness, growth, healing, and love.

When we honor life as it is (rather than how we wish it would be), we fully participate in the great adventure of being ourselves. With this attitude, we have a chance to use pain—including the pain of rejection—as a school rather than a tool of self-punishment. This perspective is not only more compassionate; it can also free us from the prison of resentment, anger, and permanent sulk.

Observe your reactions to everyday situations when things don’t go your way: do you immediately jump to judgment? Victimhood? Blame? Simply injecting a moment of awareness in these situations will begin to create the space you need to view things from a more compassionate lens. In that space lies your freedom to build a richer, more positive, and more love-filled life.

Conclusion: The Magical Kitchen

Don Miguel Ruiz, author of the bestseller books The Four Agreements and The Mastery of Love, tells a beautiful story called The Magical Kitchen. It encapsulates my dating philosophy beautifully. Here it is, paraphrased:

Our hero has a magical kitchen that produces any food they desire, in any amount. There are always people around the large kitchen table—eating what they crave. The doorbell rings: a person is at the door holding a pizza box. They tell our hero, “I will give you this pizza if you promise to do whatever I want you to.” Our hero laughs and says, “Thank you, but I’m fine. I have a magical kitchen that can give me even better pizza—in fact, you are welcome to join me for dinner and eat anything you want.”

Now, how would this have gone if our hero had been starving for days? He might have agreed to trade his freedom for a piece of pizza.

We run the risk of losing ourselves and our freedom of self-determination when we date from a love-starved, desperate place. Don’t fall into this trap! Instead, try turning rejection into a path of liberation, healing, and as a catalyst to find love. Find your magical kitchen—I promise we all have one.

The post Turning Rejection into a Catalyst for Love appeared first on First Date Stories.

The question is this: If someone looked at your picture, presumably liked what he saw, and then swiped right, isn’t he interested enough to write something back? Let’s look at six reasons why he may not reply to you, in order of most likely to least.

1. He swiped right without reading your profile or looking at all of your pictures, but when he did, he was no longer interested.

Sadly, this is probably the most likely scenario. He saw your first picture. You’re really attractive! You match — yay! You write to him, assuming he liked what he saw. Then, when he gets your message, he reads your profile and/or looks at the other pictures and decides, for one reason or another, that he’s just not that into you. Women often use all of the information they’re given (profile, pictures, etc.) up front and only swipe right on those they want to talk to. Men, generally, use much less discretion. As in, they make decisions based on one photo and nothing more.

2. He’s not that attracted to you (sorry) and swiped right on everyone.

It’s true — some men, knowing how discerning most women are, simply swipe right on everyone to see every single person who likes them in return. So, they may not be interested in 1) dating at all, 2) everyone they swiped on, or 3) even looking at the matches once they come through. This could just be a game or ego boost to them.

3. He forgot.

Sometimes people look at their matches, say they’re going to write later, and then simply forget. If someone likes you enough, though, he’ll remember to write back… or pay to extend the match. (Once a woman writes in her 24-hour period, the man has 24 hours to reply. If one of these conditions is not met, the match goes away.)

4. He’s busy.

He has to call his mom for her birthday! He went to the dentist to have a root canal. That report for work is a week overdue! Sometimes people are just busy and don’t make dating a priority.

5. His app isn’t sending him notifications.

I don’t know about you, but I have different notification settings for different apps. (I have no interest in my weather app telling me every time there’s a little drizzle outside! That’s what windows are for.) Some people don’t have their notifications set for the dating apps, meaning they have to actively open the app to check messages. Not everyone does.

6. Your message didn’t pass muster.

Keep your first message short, sweet, and end it with a question. Just remember that anything is better than “Hey,” or “What’s up?” because the only response to these is “Hey” and “nothing”/”not much,” respectively. Boring!

The best way to write a message is to reference something in his profile. So, if he says, “I’m an avid ping pong player,” you can say, “Ping pong, huh? I can’t say I’m avid like you are, but I bet I could give you a run for your money in tennis. Do you play?”

Sometimes, though, the other person doesn’t write a profile that provides any “message bait” (something interesting and unique for you to use in your message), so here are a few examples for when no “message bait” is provided:

• You seem like a genuine guy… am I right?
• Are you a night owl or early bird?
• You’re a mystery! Anything I should know about you?

The moral of all of this? Don’t take someone’s lack of response personally. We never know why he replies or doesn’t, even if he has seemingly expressed interest. Just take it all with a grain of salt, keep swiping, and know that the right person for you will reply.

This article originally appeared on the Tribune News Service.

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