Well, that depends on who’s asking. Is it a friend or family member? Or is the dreaded question of “how are you still single” coming from a date who is also single? Your response is going to also depend on how you are feeling about that question at the time it is asked.

Here is some inside information to help you tackle the question. It’s the “80/20 Relationship Rule.” Generally, when people are asking you personal questions, it has 80% to do with them–their personal issues and biases–and really only 20% to do with you. Some of my clients feel bad, get angry and find it hard not to take this question personally. They conclude that there’s something wrong with them. But that’s just not true.

Many of my clients realize that they have focused most of their attention on their careers and thought that” it” would just happen like it did with their parents. Now they realize that we’re living in a different time and people don’t date and get married for the same reasons that they used to.

People used to date for security, status, partnership and children, not necessarily in that order. Now singles don’t necessary need those things to have a good, full life. They may want partnership, but not necessarily children. So, it is a more complicated question and answer, and we are all figuring out this new landscape.

Seven Suggestions

Here are seven suggested responses for you to use depending on your circumstances.:

1. I’m just figuring out that I now want to be in a relationship and am working on finding a good partnership.
2. I’m not ready to be in a relationship and have been enjoying my single life and the freedom it provides me.
3. I could ask you the same thing! (Consider using this response if it’s your date who’s asking. Or you can smile and say nothing.)
4. What’s wrong with being single?
5. Because I haven’t met anyone who feels better than being solo/being single.
6. I have learned to love being alone with all the freedom and leisure time it affords me.
7. I’m a good catch and I just haven’t met my match yet!

Pick one, or make up your own. Just know that you are “okay” where ever you are! Giving yourself space and time to figure out what you want and need in your life and your partner, is half the battle. Allow yourself to live your best life with, or without, a partner!

The post How Are You Still Single? appeared first on First Date Stories.

Chances are that you’re most likely feeling a combination of both. Whichever side is more dominant, be sure to acknowledge both of them. Embrace the fact that dating can lead to endless possibilities and new beginnings. Try not to feel stuck in a rut and to convince yourself that there is no way to change your relationship status. Instead, take steps to make your desire a reality.

A key to finding love is to manage expectations. Unrealistic expectations will only create more problems and make it more difficult for you to find love. There are two common scenarios when it comes to expectation setting. On one hand, there are women who can never seem to find a relationship because the men never measure up to their expectations. They only see the man’s negative qualities and have trouble finding the positive qualities in their date.

On the other hand, there are women who start dating a man and by the third date they are already off traveling with their new beau and discussing a long-term commitment. The problem with this approach is that these women haven’t taken the time to really get to know the person they are dating. These relationships are unlikely to last long. Clearly, there are unrealistic expectations on both ends of the spectrum.

Whether you’re excited to date, or are filled with anxiety and dread, it’s important to put yourself out there and approach every date with an open mind and heart. You can take a fresh approach to dating. If you’re looking to find “the one,” these five insights can help guide and motivate you.

1. You probably will not recognize your soulmate right away.

When you meet “the one,” you probably won’t experience a rush of hormones, butterflies, or the typical fanfare depicted in novels. You will only know him by a very gentle tug on the heart. Instead of looking for an instant attraction or “spark,” look for that gentle feeling inside and start by building a friendship without any expectations for something more. If he is really your soulmate, that will become obvious with time.

2. Relationships rarely, if ever, are as they appear in romantic movies and books.

Real people fall into real love slowly. Instead of a “happily ever after,” they live “fully ever after” and have a rich, full and healthy life together. Things take time, work, and effort. No relationship is as it appears on the big screen. So be sure to take a realistic approach as you are dating and meeting new people.

3. It takes years to really get to know someone.

Human beings are complex. People have many layers and sides to them and it can take a while – years even – to fully get to know someone. Give yourself time to be sure you are really learning all there is to know about your partner.

4. A relationship is a living being that needs love, care and space.

People tend to either be ignored, or get smothered, in relationships. Neither of these are great conditions for a thriving relationship. Healthy relationships need time, attention, and consistency.

5. Great relationships are completely worth the effort.

There is nothing like being in a supportive and loving relationship. A good, positive relationship is completely worth the effort. When you find the right one, you will be understood on a deep level – and he will love you despite all your flaws or eccentricities. This is one of the best feelings in the world.

The post A Fresh Way to Approach Dating appeared first on First Date Stories.

Keep perspective. It’s important. While it may seem like everyone around you is in a healthy, happy and loving relationship, chances are that’s far from the truth. In reality, there are plenty of single adults You’re definitely not alone in your dating experiences, or possibly even struggles. The key to dating is to stay positive, be realistic, manage expectations and to be open to what comes your way.

1. If you’re looking to find love, here are some things you need to keep in mind.
   In spite of many bad relationships, a great relationship IS possible. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been “unlucky in love.” All that matters is that you take the steps necessary to build a healthy, loving relationship. It’s important to take different steps than the ones you have taken in the past. Being open to the right relationship is key.
2. You don’t have to have the relationship your parents had.
   Regardless of the example, that was set for you, or the worldview of past generations, your life and decisions belong to you. Choose how you will go about your relationships instead of blindly walking through them and trying to emulate the way your mother approached her own relationships. You are your own person and your relationship is yours and yours alone.
3. Being together makes you a better person.
   When you find the right person, your relationship will grow deeper through the good times and the difficult times. Going through tough times together will help create a more intimate connection.
4. Find someone who understands your “quirks.”
   When you find “the one,” he will accept you completely – despite any weird or strange personality traits or quirks. In fact, he will love you because of those things because they are what make you who you are.
5. You can only have a great relationship when you don’t need one.
   We’ve all heard the adage that the right relationship comes when you aren’t looking for one. It may sound cliché, but it’s true and worth repeating. You will only find a healthy relationship when you are comfortable being alone and aren’t reliant on a relationship for your happiness.

As you navigate the world of dating, it’s important to remember these dating truths. It can be easy to get frustrated or give up. But, as long as you keep perspective and practice patience, you will find the one for you.

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Hi Melinda,

As a therapist and relationship coach, I hear this question almost every day in my practice! What do I do after the first date?

First of all, you should check in with yourself to figure out if you want to have another date with him. I know that sounds obvious, but you would be surprised at how many daters just hope for a response even if they are not interested. Ask yourself: How was it to talk with him? Did he ask me questions? Was it fun/interesting? Am I curious about him?

Whatever the answers, you can still reach out to him if you feel moved to do so. If you are not interested, do nothing or just say, “It was really nice meeting you, but I don’t feel a connection. I wish you the best.” Of course, use your own words.

If you want to see him again, say something that makes you sound interested in him, such as: “I really enjoyed our drink/coffee/tea together and hope to get to find out more about (you fill in the blank.)” Or you can just let it be if reaching out doesn’t feel “right”.

The key to dating is to check in with yourself about each experience. You don’t have to try to “figure” out what the other person is thinking. Just do what feels right to YOU and enjoy the adventure of finding someone you “click” with. Then it won’t be such a mystery.

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