The following is the transcript for this podcast episode.:
Jodi: My guest this episode is love and relationship expert Macy Matarazzo. A girl of the ’70s, success for Macy was climbing the corporate ladder saying “I don’t need a man”, but wanting Prince Charming anyway. Then finding herself in her forties, alone, convinced that if love hasn’t just happened, she’s unlovable.
That’s when she stopped winging it. And instead decided to do whatever it takes to figure out love before long. She married Larry, the perfect match as she shared her story. Others found love too. So she quit her six-figure gig to help singles all over the world find “the one” using her SuperLOVED System. Macy, welcome to the program I am thrilled to have you join me today.
Macy: I am so thrilled to be here too.
Jodi: It’s going to be fun to delve into all that you have to share about love and relationships. Now, speaking of sharing you and I share a common backstory in the fact that we’re both what I like to refer to as “Seasoned Daters,” people who have been single later or longer than they had expected to or wanted. After you had that aha moment in your forties, how did you go about figuring out how to find love?
Macy: That’s a good question, because it really was, like you said, an “aha moment” where I recognized that what I had been doing up until that point was not working. So in that moment, I remember making this declaration of: “I am going to do whatever it takes.” And in doing that, it required some resources. So I actually engaged in hiring someone to help me. They were a life coach, not necessarily a specific relationship coach, but helped me really get to some of the core patterns and habits and beliefs that were not helping me actually receive the kind of relationship that was a good match for me. That was part of it.
Jodi: What did you do with the information that you learned about yourself?
Macy: It really was an actual commitment to myself. I mean, it was daily practices. It was staying focused on what it is I wanted to create. It was engaging in communities that were fun for me, where I could meet people. It was committing to dating in a way that also was different than I was doing before, because before I found it to be kind of miserable and exhausting, and it was having a new perspective and strategy in the way that I even navigated dating, that made it actually fun and light for me.
Jodi: You had a perspective that so many other women have at one point, that dating is miserable and exhausting. But you got past that and you were able to forge a different path. So where did you take that and how did you get to Larry?
Macy: It’s actually interesting because one of the things that I recognize that I did that made it even more fun for me, which it’s not going to necessarily sound fun in the words, is that I treated it almost like “the business of dating.” I was really organized and structured in meeting people and committing to a certain quality. So, whereas before I was quite open to the idea of, “oh, well, let me give them a chance, let me see what’s there,” or will they like me? So maybe there’s something that I can get from this.
And I stopped doing those things. I said, okay, I’m going to do a five-star system. And if they don’t meet like four or five, then it’s probably not going to be something I’m going to pursue even further. And it felt very clear to me and it was helpful and it really helped me to manage the energy of dating.
Jodi: It completely makes sense that you approached it as the business of dating because you come from a business background. Right?
Jodi: And I know that many of our listeners are business women. So to tackle dating as a job with a lot of structure around it, for many people might seem logical if they think about it, but they may not approach dating that way at the outset. So around your “aha moment,” you kind of got it that you needed to switch around the way you were thinking and take it to the way you approached your work life.
Now, this five-star system is really provocative. Tell, tell us more about the five-star system and whether you have taken that system and built it into your broader, SuperLOVED System that you offer and provide to clients.
Macy: I absolutely do. And I would say in the scheme of the SuperLOVED System, it’s kind of a smaller star in the dating phase of creating a relationship. But the five-star system is what helped me keep on track. So I mentioned that if it wasn’t a four or a five, then it might not be worth pursuing, although I will say a 3 typically meant that there was more that I wanted to know. So one and two meant that there just wasn’t anything that’s inviting me back. There wasn’t any curiosity or I felt bored or wasn’t fun, or that if I imagined going on another date, I sensed a heaviness or a dread. So it was ensuring that I didn’t get seduced by the mind of, “Oh, well, what if though, what if you need to give them a chance” and all of the things that tended to really drain my energy in the past.
Because if I can compare it to where I was before I was really gung ho and I would go out with a whole bunch of people and I wasn’t really clear on my own values. I would be open to anyone who seemed interested just to give them a chance. And what I noticed would happen over and over again is I would feel so burned out in a couple of weeks or discouraged that then I would throw in the towel for a couple months.
So my whole plan with the five-star system was to take care of my energy and to give myself this experience of choosing and being willing to have a higher bar before I would give anyone my time.
Jodi: You’re saying that as part of this Five-Star System and your broader approach, that you were also injecting self-care into your, your method of dating.
Macy: It was a huge benefit. And it was a huge relief. I mean, it brought so much ease and actual fun because I actually had something that gave me a measurement where I could say, oh wow. I went out with this guy and yeah, I’m still curious about this person. I’m still wondering. So I’m leaving that at like a three-star and then going out with another person and seeing, wow, I’m really excited about this person more than that other person and it feels like a four-star. So it gave me actually a method to prioritize too.
Jodi: So, if you suddenly had a lot of four stars on, in, on your calendar, would you say no to a three-star that you would otherwise have said yes to if there were one and two stars asking you out?
Macy: I will admit that I probably didn’t have a circumstance where I had that many people in the funnel. (Laughter) But I will tell you that once I met my husband, who was the only five star candidate that came through, that he did bump a four star.
Jodi: Well, that, that was probably an immediate sign that this man was somebody you needed to get to know a lot better.
Jodi: You gave Larry five stars and that lucky man got to become your boyfriend. Share with us how he ultimately became your husband.
Macy: Yeah, well the five-star rating really was an amazing moment for me. And I’ll tell you that, that is the day that I celebrate more than even our engagement or our wedding anniversary is the day that he wrote me and I ran over to Linda’s cubicle. And I said, “I have a five-star candidate!” (Laughter)
Jodi: You knew right away when he emailed you.
Macy: I did because I was really excited about the way he looked. I could tell he had style, like a lot that I learned from his message and his profile online. Really showed me a lot of places we connected. And I guess if we can sidebar a little on that, that is so powerful in or in how you’re writing your profile and how you’re presenting yourself, that someone like, in this case where I had that visceral experience of – “yes, I see how we would be a good match” based on what he wrote and his pictures.
And it really helped me feel connected. Whereas a lot of people have quite generic write-ups and it takes a lot more effort to get into who they are. So that was part of probably why he got a five-star rating before even really meeting him.
Jodi: One of the things to take away from what you just said is that you encourage people to put a lot about themselves into their profiles if they’re on a platform that allows them to.
Macy: Exactly! And a lot of people are afraid to do that and it’s not wrong, but I would be aware of that. If someone out there who’s listening is writing about themselves in a way that is kind of generic and vanilla, then that actually doesn’t help your person find you.
And some people I know have felt – “well, I don’t want people at work to know I’m online,” or “I don’t want someone to find out,” or if there’s any of that energy happening, then guess what? You’re probably hiding from an amazing person.
Jodi: That’s a really interesting way to look at it that you are denying somebody, uh, knowing enough about you, such that they would want to meet you if you write
Macy: So that they can recognize you.
Jodi: Exactly. But you recognized Larry and you raced over to Linda. How did things transpire after that?
Macy: Well, Linda was excited, FYI and I actually wrote him. He had written me. So there was a really sweet and really funny and kind message that showed me that he really read my profile. So there is something beautiful about being acknowledged in that way. When you know someone has seen something that inspired them, his first line, “You had me at soup.” (Laughter)
You had me at soup was acknowledging that I had mentioned that I like making soup. There you go.
Jodi: There you go. What kind of soup?
Macy: I can make all the soups. I make all the soups all scratch and it makes me really happy. I love making soup for me and other people. And so it was. It’s kind of funny because I actually do remember a time when, when I was dating online and this was all the 10 or 15 years before I actually figured out what works that I was writing things that 1) were generic, 2) were what I thought a man would want to read. And therefore there was nothing really about me that was in it.
And it was this round, which was part of the “aha” and the change that I made and all of the inner work that I did that helped me really appreciate who I was. And I went from trying to be this mountainy woman in Colorado, because that’s what I thought men wanted, to actually, I’m not outdoorsy, I’m indoorsy. Actually, I love sewing. I like making soup from things from my garden. It really gave some details that for someone like Larry appreciates, that could go, yes. I do too. Me too!
Jodi: You evolved as a woman, as a person, in the process of trying to find love. And there was a man out there who responded to that authenticity and what you presented online and to the world. That sounds like an incredibly healthy and life affirming way to approach dating.
Macy: Yes. And I will also say that there weren’t a lot of candidates. There weren’t a lot of people that excited me. And when I would do my own searches online, I would find that there’d be not that many people who would come up based on the things that I valued and I was looking for.
I didn’t make that a problem because what I knew that I hadn’t known all the other times I was dating, is that, yes, my person is special. My person is not everyone. And I am excited to meet this person, even if it takes a little while.
Jodi: You were not going to compromise. You were going to wait for your person. And you, because you deserve that person. And everybody listening to us deserves their person as well.
Macy: Right. And I had an awareness of what that was. So part of the SuperLOVED System in the tools I teach include a lot of different ways that we come back to ourselves, come back to actually being honest and honoring who we are and not coming from a place of judgment or comparing or thinking I have to have my mom’s relationship or my best friend from college’s relationship. Like all of the things that can make us feel wrong or like it doesn’t exist. And the only thing we need to know is, “Do I have the desire to share my life with someone? Is that something I have in my heart?” And if the answer is yes, then know that that desire is not just for you. That desire is you AND the other person.
So the desire includes another person. So are you willing to have that consciousness of, “yes, I am showing up for this love relationship that has been simmering in my heart. And I know what that feels like, and I am choosing it and knowing that it includes another person” In some ways I think it’s kind of interesting to go, “oh, if I’m scared to do it for me, or if I don’t have the courage to put myself out there for me, what I want to rob someone of their love story?”
Okay. That’s a little bit of a guilt trip thing, but still, can you really expand into a new consciousness of, this is actually not just me? This is a relationship that wants to be created WITH me.
Jodi: It’s an inclusive approach to dating. It’s setting out with intention for yourself, but knowing that one day there’ll be another person stepping into that with you. And that you need to be thinking about that from the outset. Is that what you’re saying?
Macy: I think it’s just an awareness that you’re not really alone with that desire. When I met Larry, there was a really clear sense that we were both asking for each other. And if he had thrown in the towel or given up, then we wouldn’t have met. If I had given up or burned out or just decided, “oh, I guess it’s not going to happen for me” and fallen for the inner critics or the doubt and the fears then, you know, maybe we would’ve met later. But what if we wouldn’t have met? I just feel like it’s kind of a magical way of looking at things that can inspire people to really honor those desires in a bigger way.
Jodi: So many of us, at times, give in to the doubts and the inner critics. It’s tough to date at times. It should be always wonderful. It should be always fun, but that usually isn’t the case all the time. How do you recommend that people who are dating try to avoid giving into the doubt and inner critics? What can they do to avoid succumbing to all of that?
Macy: I think the most important thing is to remember that the inner critics and the doubt, that’s not real. It’s not that you’re not having feelings. Okay. You’re having feelings or you’re sensing things, but to be so committed to that desire, that that’s bigger than any of the doubts and the fears. Because when you think, “Okay, well, I can’t do this. I can’t have that. I guess it’s not in the cards.”
And there’s this heaviness. I think all the inner critics, have a quality to them that is heavy. And that’s not actually what we’re here for. We’re here for the ease and the joy, and that’s actually possible when you don’t buy into and agree with and fall for the seduction of those inner critics.
Yes, it’s absolutely probably unavoidable for that to show up in a dating experience because, it’s just an, it’s something that means a lot to people. It means a lot. It’s a heart issue or a heart creation that, of course it matters to people. So just knowing that, when you’re asking for something and anything that’s related to the heart is going to call up the inner critics naturally.
And when you can say, “Oh yeah, that’s an inner critic,” then you can name it and you can go, “Okay, well, what is it ultimately that I really know that I want to create?” And be disciplined enough to say “I am choosing that no matter what, and not falling for the tricks of the critics.”
Jodi: I think that’s really tremendous advice that applies well beyond the dating world
Jodi: Because the inner critic speaks up in our lives in lots of different points of time. And it’s something that all of us have to contend with. So that is really terrific advice.
One of the things you’re known for is your “No Rules Dating Approach.” Shine some light on that for us, please.
Macy: The No Rules Dating Approach is really remembering that you are the chooser as the data. And when people say, and there’s a lot of dating coaches out there that have a lot of rules. And to me, it’s an immediate disempowering experience to say, “Okay, I don’t know what I’m doing. I have to rely on these rules. I can’t trust myself.”
So being stuck with a bunch of rules around dating means that you’re not connected to you. So that’s why I like to invite people to consider, you’re the one that gets to create this.
And you’re the one who will know. Every relationship is different and it’s, it is scary to not have rules. Some people rely on rules because then they don’t have to think that, oh, they’re going to fail or that they’re going to do it wrong. And if they follow the rules, then they have to get a certain result.
And yet even following rules, then they don’t get the result they want. And then, okay, they get to be right about being single forever or whatever the thing is. To me, it creates a lot of disempowerment and what I love about teaching women about relationship in the SuperLOVED System is that it’s all about the art and the consciousness of finding the one, which means that you become the advocate for you. And that you’re in relationship with yourself in a really powerful way.
Jodi: I really wish I had heard your perspective on all of this when so many years ago, I was holding a copy of that darn book, The Rules, in my hand. A lot of Gen X women have read that book and I think it affected a lot of us in the way that we dated and what you just laid out is exactly opposite to what that book said. And what you just laid out, to me, sounds a heck of a lot healthier and more empowering than the behavior that book guided us to follow.
Macy: Exactly! And how many people feel wrong or bad because they broke one of the rules or feel like they can’t do the thing? And what is that about anyway, that leaves nothing for your own awareness, your own consciousness to contribute to?
So, this is about a next level relationship. That’s why I called it “SuperLOVED” because it is the relationship where, you know you’re SuperLOVED and it starts before you even start dating and that, you know that you have the ability to go, “Okay, what’s here? What would I like to create? Is this working for me?” And then navigating from there.
Every person, with another person, even when it’s not in a love relationship scenario, is going to have a different experience. You and I, together we’re having this conversation because it’s you and I together and what is created when we come together and it’s no different. It’s not like, okay, now there’s a million rules for how to do a podcast. And we have to talk about this now. And we can’t talk about this until later.
Like, what is that? That’s not, not fun at all. I don’t want a relationship like that. And I would say to that, yeah, there are some people who are going to feel better having a bunch of rules. And if that’s the case, then they get to choose that. That’s not the relationship I was looking to create.
Jodi: And then it’s not the relationship you’re helping your clients and future clients create either.
Macy: Exactly because the women who come to me often have already had some experiences of relationship, maybe even a marriage that didn’t work out. Maybe a brilliant relationship and there was a loss. And there’s just a next level space where it’s being able to know more about yourself because you’ve lived some life and we just want something different now. We’re not our grandmother who was married because that was the neighborhood boy, and we need to have babies so that we can keep the farm going. It’s not that anymore.
We’re in a different time on the planet, where there is more of a desire for these deeper connected, spiritual type relationships that really become even how we grow and have a deeper consciousness with ourselves and the world.
Jodi: Who is the woman who can benefit from the SuperLOVED System?
Macy: The woman that I just adore working with is the kind of woman who actually has had success in her life. She knows that she has something great to offer a relationship. She may have some fears and doubts. She probably isn’t too excited about the modern dating world, maybe because she hasn’t done it before or has tried it before and it’s felt really inauthentic or icky in some way. And it’s the kind of person who loves personal development.
I mean, ultimately this isn’t, like we just talked about, it’s not a bunch of rules, it’s not gimmicks, it’s not a magic pill. It’s really about your own journey in life. And being able to dissolve any of the barriers that are making having a relationship scary or not attractive.
Sometimes women will come to me and say, “oh, well, you know, things are going so well, like I don’t want to lose anything. I don’t want to have to compromise.” And I don’t see it that way at all. That’s just typically a protection. So we can actually get past these barriers. All we need to know is, “Would you love to share your life with someone? And the SuperLOVED System gives them an experience that dissolves those limitations and allows for love to come in
Jodi: Dissolving the limitations and allowing love to come in. That is what we all strive for if we’re looking for love. How do our listeners get in touch with you and learn more about your coaching?
Macy: Thanks for asking for people who want to learn more. I do have a website, GetSuperLoved.com can go there, learn a lot more about what I have to offer and things that are going on.
I have a lot of content and free things available, but I also have an amazing quiz. So for those people who are kind of wondering. Where am I on the super love journey. If you go to this LoveVibeQuiz.com.
So this assessment is not about finding out what Kardashians you are, what Simpson’s character it is. It’s actually a really meaningful assessment for those who really do want to find out what they can do to actually take that next step in their love life. Just answering the questions will give you tons of awareness.
So go to LoveVibeQuiz.com to take that assessment. And then you certainly are open to setting up a time with me. If you know, you want to have a relationship in the next three to six months. Message me on my website, reach out, fill out an application to have a call with me. It’ll be free and there’s no obligation to coach with me, but it will give you an idea of what you can do next.
Jodi: Terrific! And we will put those links in the show notes so listeners will have immediate access to them.
Macy: Thank you.
Jodi: Thank you Macy. I have really enjoyed talking with you. I’ve really enjoyed delving into the SuperLOVED System and learning how it’s more than just about finding love with somebody else. It’s also about grounding yourself in the love you have for yourself and that holistic approach is really a special one and I have no doubt is an incredibly powerful and effective one. Thank you for coming on the podcast and being my special guests this episode.
Macy: Thank you for having me.