The following is the transcript of this podcast episode.:
Jodi: Welcome, Juliana. It’s so great to have you here.
Juliana: Thanks, Jodi.
Jodi: Why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Juliana: I’m 51 years old. I’m single. I was married a long time ago, so long ago that I’ve almost forgotten about it. I was 21 when I got divorced. I’m social, but I don’t date a lot.
Jodi: You have a date to talk to us about today.
Juliana: I do.
Jodi: Fantastic! Let’s switch gears and talk about the guy. How did you and Dan meet?
Juliana: I was at a supper club. My friend has a boyfriend. He’s a musician and we often go see him play. We were at a supper club where he was performing. We had dinner and towards the end of the evening, my friends were talking to a guy at the end of the table. I noticed him, but I didn’t say anything to him. Then he said something to me. I joined in the conversation, and that’s when we met.
Jodi: How did that conversation go?
Juliana: It was lively. It was interesting. He seemed really nice and friendly. We were probably a half an hour away from the city where we both live. He offered to give me a ride home, which was kind of unusual. My friend jumped in and said “No.” He understood. He was fine with it. Then he asked for my information.
Jodi: Did you hear from him afterwards?
Juliana: Yes. He immediately started texting me-that night.
Jodi: What were those texts like?
Juliana: They were friendly. They were flirty. He kept telling me that he was a smart aleck, that I shouldn’t be offended or anything. He was really pushing for a first date, which is good because sometimes texts can go on and on forever. You start wondering, “Is there ever going to be a point to this?” “What are we doing here?” If I don’t know the guy that well, I don’t want to be texting with him forever. I would rather just meet him again and go on a first date.
Jodi: What were you thinking about him?
Juliana: He seemed fun. There wasn’t an immediate spark. I didn’t feel super attracted to him. But I don’t go by looks all the time anyway. I felt like he would be fun. I felt like a first date would be a good idea.
Jodi: Did you ever talk on the phone, or was it all texts?
Juliana: It was all texts. One strange thing was that during the conversation, I had jokingly said, “Oh, my friends have all looked you up online,” and he immediately friended me on Facebook. He replied, “Oh well, I friended you on Facebook. You can see all about me. You can look up anything you want.”
Jodi: Oh, wow!
Juliana: I know.
Jodi: That’s a big leap.
Juliana: I know. I hesitated. I thought, “I don’t know if I want to be friends with someone I’ve barely met.” I know all the people who I’m friends with on Facebook. I thought, “Well, what is he going to see? What will he possibly find out about me that I don’t want him to know?” And then I thought, “You know, I should just do this because if he starts looking at everything on Facebook about me, then he’ll already know a bunch of things. And if he doesn’t like something, then he’ll stop pursuing this and I don’t have to waste my time.” So, I just went for it.
Jodi: Did he propose a date?
Juliana: I proposed a night, and the night was New Year’s Eve. I said, “I know we probably both have other things to do on New Year’s Eve, but why don’t we meet and have a drink and then go on to our other things?”
Jodi: Why not get the evening off to a strong start?
Juliana: Yeah. That was kind of my thinking. Also, I figured I’m going to be dressed up already anyway. He knows my neighborhood so I picked a place for us to go to. I did try on an outfit and then took a selfie and sent it to one of my friends so that she could evaluate what I would be wearing. I think I took two photos of two outfits and let her pick.
Jodi: Well, that’s what girlfriends are for. How did the evening kick off?
Juliana: He actually came up with a rose in his hand.
Jodi: When you saw that rose in his hand, what did you think?
Juliana: I think it’s fine. I mentioned that to people later that night and some people said, “Oh God, that’s too much,” but I think it’s sweet. I don’t think it’s too much.
Jodi: Then what happened next?
Juliana: Then we walked to the bar/restaurant where we were going to meet for a drink. We sat down. He came on a little bit strong, even from the very beginning. This might sound bad. He was very complimentary, saying “You are hot,” but not in an icky way.
Jodi: In a way that made you feel…how?
Juliana: It made me feel like it was a little strong. I think I’m an attractive person, but saying it so much and so often and so enthusiastically made me wonder about his sincerity. “Does he say this to everyone?” I got the impression he would be very fun and the things that he liked to do seemed like things that I like to do, such as go dancing, listen to a lot of music.
He was still kind of coming on strong when he mentioned music and said things like, “Oh, do you like to go dancing?” And I said “yes.” And he said, “Oh great, because I can take you to this place, or that place.” He was kind of foreshadowing what was going to happen next. On some level I was thinking, “Well, that’s good. That seems like he’s serious. He’s already talking about the next date.” He talked a lot. He told me, “If I’m talking too much, please let me know,” or something to that effect.
Jodi: So, did you?
Juliana: I didn’t. I could barely get a word in edgewise! So, it would have been hard to tell him he was talking too much.
Jodi: Are you two in the same age range?
Juliana: That was interesting too because my friend’s boyfriend was performing. It was her birthday. He said something about how old she was. It was a little evasive because I don’t like to tell people’s ages and my friend looks about 15 years younger than she actually is. I don’t remember what I said, but I avoided the topic. We were kind of skimming around the age conversation. Of course, I’d already looked him up online and I knew that he was about eight years younger than me. This is not unusual for me. When I get asked out, it’s always almost 100 percent by younger men. I never told him my age. He never told me his.
Jodi: And so you’re at the bar, you’re dancing around the age thing, you’re talking about different things you like to do. Then, where did the conversation end up?
Juliana: He did talk about us getting together and he said, “Anytime, anyplace, I’d really love to do this again.” And he walked me to the corner. He was going to walk to his car. He gave me a hug. He said he’s a hugger. He likes to hug a lot. He reached his hands inside my coat and around my waist to give me a hug instead of putting his hands on the outside of my coat. It gives you a pause when someone reaches their hands inside your coat and you don’t know them that well.
Then he walked off. He immediately texted me to say that he had a good time and that I was hot, again. It was really nice that he followed up so quickly. Of course, you’re like hearing that you’re hot. Again, I’m not sure how sincere it was, but who doesn’t like to hear that? (Laughter)
Jodi: So, you go off to your New Year’s Eve celebration.
Juliana: I went off to my friends to a dinner party at their house. It was a small group of people. We did talk a lot about the date because that’s what you do when you go to your married friends’ houses. You talk about your dating life. He seemed like someone I would want to see again. It was a good first date, which I think is something you should always stop and recognize that you just had a good first date because that’s something in and of itself.
He seemed like he would be fun to date again…He didn’t seem like someone that I would want to sit on my couch and watch a movie with, though. You never know, but I just got the feeling he was going to be the fun guy.
Jodi: Then the evening ends. You go home. The New Year has begun. It’s 2018.
Jodi: What happens?
Juliana: I never hear from him again.
Jodi: You never hear from him again?
Juliana: Never. He didn’t unfriend me, but I never heard from him again. The friends that I met him with that night and the friends that I went to the New Year’s party with all knew the story and were following it closely and I began to call him “The Ghoster.” People probably know this term but if you’re at a party and someone just leaves without saying goodbye, you call them a ghoster. He ghosted me!
Jodi: How do you feel about that?
Juliana: It was funny. It was very entertaining for my friends of course. In those situations, you just never know. I don’t think he was married. He talked about his children and about being divorced.
Jodi: But you didn’t unfriend him, so you just are kind of moving on and not caring?
Juliana: Yeah. I just left it alone. And he really follows my friend’s boyfriend-musician and goes to his gigs all the time. So, I figured eventually we were going to run into each other again and he had to know that too and I wasn’t uncomfortable. I didn’t ghost him so…
Jodi: Has that happened?
Juliana: Eric is my friend’s boyfriend. I would say I’m going to go see him on Facebook and he would sometimes also be going to that event. He had never showed up and my friend Eric said this is kind of what he does. Just to promote Eric, he’ll say he’s going when he’s really not going to an event. I didn’t see him. But then one time I said I was going to an event on Facebook, and he liked that I was going and, sure enough, that night he was there.
I’m seated right by the door. That’s usually where we sat in this place. When he comes in, he gives my friend a hug. I’m a little bit away on the other side of the table. It was this awkward handshake, “Hey,” and then he went over to the bar and sat down. He was there the rest of the night. He seemed to be by himself. At one point, I had to get up and go to the restroom, which meant I was going to have to walk by him. I didn’t see him when I walked by and I thought, “Oh, boy.”
I get to the bathroom. There’s a Women’s and a Men’s. I’m waiting outside the Women’s and I’m thinking he must be in the bathroom. The place is small. I would have seen him. I’m thinking, “Great, now he’s going to walk out and I’m going to be standing right here in front of him.” The door opens, it’s not him! So, I go back to the table. I tell my friend, “Hey, he’s gone. I don’t know where he went?” She goes to see if there’s a backdoor. There’s no backdoor. I don’t know how he got out of the place. He ghosted me again! (Laughter)
Jodi: He ghosted you via text, and he ghosted you in person. (Laughter)
Jodi: As you look back, is there anything to take away from it?
Juliana: I think that dating should be fun. So, like I said, when that date was over, I always pause when it’s a good date and say that you just had a good date. Even if you never hear from that guy again, be thankful that you just had a great first date or a great date in general because that doesn’t always happen. So I think that’s one of my bigger takeaways.
I guess also, don’t take things personally. I didn’t take it personally. I don’t know what happened. Someone could have died. He could have met the next hottest person. He could have looked me up online and saw that I was eight years older than him and didn’t like it. I have no idea. Don’t take it personally. You got to laugh about these things.
Jodi: That is the healthiest philosophy. I love that! Thank you so much for sharing that story. It’s a great one because you have such a healthy perspective, after the fact. And it’s kind of hilarious how he ghosted you once, he ghosted you twice. At the end of the day, it didn’t make any difference to you whatsoever. What came out of it was the opportunity to share a funny story.