The number one question I get from women is, “If I’m not attracted to him, should I date him again?” The answer is yes!
We live in an era where time is limited and dating can feel draining. So why bother dating someone if there’s no chemistry?
First of all, chemistry is a misguided compass for whether something is good or bad for us. I jokingly call it the “Taco Bell Test.” Which would you prefer, a green juice or Taco Bell (or fill in your favorite fast food)? More than likely, you would go for the fast food, right? Every time you eat that tasty bite, you get instantly gratified, a sugar high, and that craving gets fulfilled. Green juice is, well, necessary and healthy.
But here’s the good news. The more fruits and veggies you throw in your diet, the more your body starts craving green juice. But I guarantee that for 95% of us, even if we started shifting our diet for the better, we would still fail the “Taco Bell Test”!
I also see it all the time with men – the ones who are elusive, well-traveled and groomed, tall, successful, slightly unavailable, confident to the point of arrogance. Don’t these men make your legs quiver… even just a little?
This is chemistry in a nut shell.
So, if you’re using sexual chemistry as the only marker for determining whether he’s a keeper, my advice is – don’t!
I believe in sexual chemistry, and attraction. As modern women, we deserve to be with someone who we connect with on every level – mental, emotional, spiritual AND physical.
However, I wager that for many of us, chemistry is not a reliable initial criteria as to whether a man we’re out with is a good fit for us.
But how do you know whether your sniff test for ‘chemistry’ may be off?
Here are some experiences that may ring true to you and could influence how well your chemistry filter is working.:
If you’ve gone through painful relationships: It’s more likely that you’re still wired to find similar relationships or be attracted to the same types of men, even if the relationship was abusive. Your body craves and itches for that fulfillment it didn’t receive in that relationship. Weird, right?
If you had a bad relationship with your dad (or mom): Even though you swore to yourself, “I will never date someone like my dad!” you will likely be attracted to a man who’s similar to him. It’s because, deep inside, your inner child still craves that specific need that your dad never fulfilled for you. (By the way, there would be a similar example for your mom).
Your parents didn’t get along: You may be wired for attracting a similar relationship to theirs.
You’re not “turned on” by yourself: Because of our busy lives, most of us are so disconnected from our True Self, that we don’t really know what we want anymore. So, it’s hard to be sure what really turns us on.
Many women struggle with self-worth issues. According to studies, 70% of girls grow up feeling ‘not good enough’. Remember, like attracts like – if you don’t feel worthy, and you’re not truly attracted to yourself, how can you expect someone to be attracted to you?
Also, I want to bust the myth that people in relationships are sexually fulfilled and have loads of chemistry. Studies have also found that sexlessness in marriages is on a rise.
So, sexual chemistry can be misleading and isn’t always lasting unless people consciously work on it while being in a relationship.
Do your dating based on resonance and values – NOT solely on chemistry.
Ask yourself, “What do I truly care about? What is one thing that I would fight for – even die for?”
Without knowing what you value, you will date anyone and maybe even settle for less – a person who doesn’t know their own values. Plus, you may rule out an amazing man, because “you’re not attracted.”
I always advise women to date several men at the same time and give them 3 – 4 chances if they seem to be kind, generous, stand-up guys.
Be kind and generous with them yourself – just like how you would want to be treated. Also, learn to graciously say “no” to men whom you don’t resonate with. This way, you stay honest, open to possibilities and loving.