Four Reasons Why You Attract Emotionally Unavailable Men
Has this ever happened to you? You meet a wonderful man (‘the one’!), go on a few dates, and then you never hear back from him? Or you’re with a man and he’s either talking about himself the whole time, or he’s glued to his cell phone?
If you’re in a long-term relationship, you may discover you reach an emotional wall with your man. This can feel lonely, frustrating and draining.
One of the biggest complaints that most smart, successful women have about men they meet, or date, is that they are either ‘narcissists’ or emotionally unavailable.
Narcissism may be on the rise, especially with the pressures of today’s working conditions, online dating, technology, and growing lack of emotional connection and communication.
Is there something that you could be doing to attract these men or dating patterns? Here are some clues.
Four Reasons Why You Attract Emotionally Unavailable Men
1. That’s how you like ‘em apples.
Let’s face it, which woman doesn’t find Robert Downing Jr. or Johnny Depp alluring? You’ve been brainwashed to be turned on by men who are elusive, successful and debonair. You may even have evidence that these bachelors can be ‘tamed’ by a smart, beautiful woman like you. (Uggh! George Clooney’s with Amal!). Some masquerade as do-gooders – like being a doctor or flying off to Africa and India to ‘save lives’; and hence can never be there for you. On a psychological level, these relationships may represent a childhood insecurity (read ‘daddy issue’) you still need to heal.
Relationship-oriented men are different – they’re grounded, mature, and don’t necessarily care about worldly success only – they follow their values, have integrity and balance. These men may seem boring at the outset, but are the true winners in the long-run.
2. You’re emotionally unavailable.
This can seem a little paradoxical, but remember, the world is your mirror. If you take each date as a learning opportunity, you may be able to find that you are sending similar signals. For instance, do you really make time for dating, or mindfully growing a relationship – or is work your #1 priority? Are you still hung up on past relationships, hurt, guarded or afraid of being vulnerable? Do you still harbor deep-rooted resentment towards loved ones? Do you suppress your emotions, or feel disconnected within yourself? Does your cell phone get in the way of being fully present for another? Are you absorbed by your toxic thoughts and insecurities? Can you listen to someone else with 100% focus and attention, without a need to fix/solve their problems?
These are all questions or habits to consider, to truly see if you have emotional space for someone else. Romantic relationships require a significant level of emotional, mental, physical and spiritual capacity.
3. You don’t communicate with empathy or compassion.
This may seem hard to comprehend, especially since most women begin their sentences with, “I feel…”. But if you dissect your sentences, you may realize that you’re ‘in your head’, and not truly expressing your feelings and needs. For instance, “I feel that you never call me” is not a feeling – rather it’s a judgment or accusation. It’s a thought, based on your perspective.
Learning how to communicate your feelings and needs, make requests, and practice self-empathy, will allow you to create an emotional foundation in any relationship – even on a first date! Moreover, having empathy and compassion for another person is a skill that has never been taught in our schools – and it’s vital for any relationship. Don’t knock yourself out if you’ve never learned these skills!
4. You’re too nice.
This is one of the hardest dances for most women. You’ve learned how to ‘play by the rules’, say the right things to get ahead in your career. However, there’s a part of you that feels lost inside your relationships – knowing that you want more passion and connection, but afraid to admit it, ask for it, or say difficult things that are on your mind.
This is your wise, feminine side trying to be seen and heard. If you’ve walked on eggshells in your relationships, then you have reached the point of ‘abetting the crime’ of emotional unavailability. Many of our parents never modeled the right relationship patterns for us (it’s not their faults), and often times we’ve been exposed to the ‘doormat/bitch’ models. This subconscious pattern requires some neural rewiring.
All is not lost! Men crave to be with a strong, expressive, compassionate woman – and be in a romantic partnership that ignites their world, changes status quo, shakes their beliefs – yet is fun and comforting at the same time.
You can effortlessly meet a man who wants this with you – the key is to first be who you want to attract into your life. When you clear your inner blocks, reconnect with your feminine and learn the right relationship skills, you can magnetize a healthy partnership.
Isabel and Todd
